


Litost

by KO5



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: US Women's Soccer National Team
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-17 04:22:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 27,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4652091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KO5/pseuds/KO5
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hope Solo and Kelley O’Hara agreed to be roommates. That was it. They never agreed to the prospect of coming undone, to the unrequited love, or to the unbearable heartache. And they most definitely did not agree to a relationship, or rather, a prolonged state of torment (as most so fondly call it). This is their story- and oh, what a tragic one it has become.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What If I Fall?

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is my fictional perception of Hope Solo and Kelley O’Hara’s relationship, starting from the 2012 Olympics. It is inspired by the X Ambassadors song, Litost, and is dedicated to my ride or die on the O’Solo train, osaycanyousolo. 
> 
> I sincerely apologize in advance for the emotional rollercoaster that is about to embark. –KO5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Adrenaline is coursing through your entire body- and while it’s absolutely terrifying, you can’t help but love it because it electrifies you."

**preface.**

_Litost (n)_

1. _A_ _state of torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery._

 2. _A moment when you find that should not happen, unchangeably happened. It is a feeling we have about an immense, negative and unchangeable breach of the    order we expect the world to have._

 

* * *

 

“…then in room 221, we have Pinoe and Sydney, and last but not least, in room 223, we have Hope and-”

 

The tall goalkeeper was startled by her name and blinked a few times to wake herself up. Hope must’ve fallen into a daze as Christie and Abby read off room assignments. The bus ride had taken longer than expected and she was more than ready for some proper sleep. She yawned, but stopped midway as she realized her brain never registered the last part of Abby’s sentence. Before she could open her mouth to ask what she missed, she felt a sudden presence slam into her- literally.

 

“Alright! Roomies for life!” The newest defender on their team jumped out of nowhere and onto Hope’s back.

 

Hope had caught her teammate out of reflex, but quickly shook her off as certain thoughts flew across her mind and invaded her privacy.

 

Kelley O’Hara.

 

Kelley- bouncy, dorky, squirrel-loving, actually a child at heart, charming- O’Hara.

 

Ever since Kelley joined the team, Hope had her eye on the kid. On the field, her passion for soccer blew everyone away and she worked harder than even some of the veterans. She would do anything to see her team succeed, even if it meant that she had to change positions. She was a very valuable (and versatile) teammate who so deserved her spot on the team. Off the field, Kelley’s giggly and fun personality infected Hope. Being the serious individual she was, Hope was often bothered by some of her playful teammates- but not Kelley. Never Kelley. It had always been easy with her. She was easy to be with, and sure, she was crazy and insane, but Hope loved it.  

 

Hope was attracted to her.

 

The type of attraction, that is, well…let’s just say Hope wasn’t entirely sure herself. She had always struggled with identifying emotions, even those of her own. This often over complicated things for Hope throughout her life, but she learned how to deal with them and was quick to adjust when new feelings arose.

 

But these feelings- the way she melted every time Kelley walked into her room with the dorkiest grin on her face or the way she would scold herself for staring at Kelley too long- were feelings that she had never felt before. They were different.  

 

So maybe they were just fast made friends. But then again, maybe not. Maybe there was something more.

 

Hope mentally checked herself back into reality and crossed her arms, staring down Abby as if it were her fault that she was rooming with Kelley. “I’m rooming with KO? No. You have got to be kidding me.”

 

“Jeez, lots of love to you too, Solo!” Kelley added sarcastically.

 

“This must be a mistake. We roomed together in the last city! Who made these assignments?” Hope demanded an answer.

 

Abby let out a soft chuckle. She, as well as the rest of her team who were watching all this unfold, found it entertaining to see a frazzled Hope Solo. She replied, “You’ll have to take this one up with Pia. She thinks you two click together…you know, with Kelley now on the backline and all. This will be good bonding for you gals.”

 

Hope’s jawline tensed. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Kelley- far from that actually. It was the fact that everyone knew that Kelley was the biggest goofball and perhaps the most exasperating roommate on the team, and now they were all just laughing at her luck.

 

She couldn’t help but smile with them and shook her head as she said, “All twenty-one of you owe me big time. I’m taking one for the team here.”

 

Kelley wiggled her eyebrows and gestured her whole body, “How could you not want to spend time with all this goodness?!”

 

“Jesus Christ, KO…don’t ever do that again.” Hope rolled her eyes and grabbed hold of her luggage. “Come on, let’s go find our room. I’m exhausted and only God knows how long it takes for you to fall asleep.”

 

Like a little kid following their mother, Kelley trudged after her teammate and protested, “Hey! That was one night! Sorry my reading light didn’t live up to your expectations!”

 

Now heading up upstairs, Hope glared at the younger woman, “Kell! For the hundredth time- that wasn’t a reading light! It was a god damn flash light.”

 

“Same thing.”

 

“No, it’s not! Not when you decide to shine the light directly in my line of sight and then proceed to make shadow puppets with it!”

 

“Ha! You admit you were awake too, then?!” Kelley accused Hope.

 

“Like are we five years old? Maybe you are, but not me…oh forget it, look, this time around, we’re going to lay some ground rules. Number One- no flashlights. Number two- no rearranging hotel furniture and bed sheets to make a fort.”

 

Kelley chimed in and added her two cents, “Number three- no more creepy candles.”

 

Hope frowned, “My spa candles? Those help me relax!”

 

“Fine, but if your candles get to stay, then so does my flashlight.” Kelley compromised.

 

“You are so freaking exhausting!” Hope exclaimed.

 

The two teammates continued to bicker all the way down the second floor hallway, and the sound of their voices echoed down to the lobby where the rest of the team stood speechless.

 

Christie was the first to break the silence, “Wow. Those two are really something.”

 

Pinoe smirked, “They totally have the hots for each other.”

 

“Really? I don’t know if I see it…they’re good friends.” Lauren was surprised by Pinoe’s comment.

 

“Don’t be oblivious, Lauren. Some woodland creature miles away could sense they’re couple material. Just look how happy they make each other!” Pinoe retorted.

 

Sydney agreed, “Yeah, they act like a married couple…the real question though is how long will it take for them to hook up?”

 

$50 it happens this weekend.” Pinoe added nonchalantly.

 

“Seriously, Pinoe?!” A-Rod shook her head at her teammate who was now grinning ridiculously.

 

“Hey, I’m dead serious about starting a pool. Who’s in?!”

 

“Alright, I’m in. But no way this is going to happen within the next three days. I’ll match you $50, but I say they hook up after the Olympics. Hope wouldn’t want a distraction.” Sydney reasoned.

 

Abby nodded, “I agree with Syd. I’ll put in $20.”

 

Pinoe’s phone buzzed and she looked down to read a text, “Oh, okay- Ali’s in too. She says $20 it happens before the final match.”

 

Lauren squinted her eyes at Pinoe in disbelief, “You already texted Ali about this?”

 

“Trust me, O’Solo has been a priority conversation topic between Kriegs and me for awhile now.”

 

“O’Solo?” Abby questioned.

 

“Yeah- Hope and Kelley’s couple name.”

 

Christie laughed at Pinoe, “You have way too much time on your hands.”

 

After a few other teammates joined their little game, Sydney turned to three individuals who had remained pretty quiet throughout this whole ordeal. “Anyone else? Carli, Alex, Tobin?”

 

Carli put her hands up in defense, “Hey, I don’t gamble.”

 

“Which basically translates into I don’t want Hope Solo drowning me while I’m in my daily ice bath. You three know something we don’t, don’t you?” Pinoe pried.

 

Alex shrugged, “What do you expect? They’re our best friends. I’m not saying anything, but we really don’t know a lot. We’re pretty much in the dark too. I still don’t want to take part in this though.”

 

Tobin nodded, “Same here. I don’t like getting involved with these things. Plus, I’d lose anyways because I’m the least observant person on this team.”

 

“Excuses, excuses, excuses!” Pinoe sneered.

 

Before anyone else could make further comments, Hope walked back into the lobby. Abby raised an eyebrow, “Forget something?”

 

“Yeah, the room keys. Do you have them?”

 

Christie said, “I thought I gave them to Kelley.”

 

Hope replied, “Oh, thanks…she probably forgot she put them in her bag or something…uhhh, are you guys alright?” Hope noticed that half her team looked stone and the other half were ready to burst into laughing.

 

Carli kept a serious face, “Don’t worry about us…it’s late. We’re delusional.”

 

“Okay…” Hope wasn’t fully convinced, but then turned to head back to her room, yelling over her shoulder, “Good night, guys!”

 

“Night, Hope!”

 

“So…is anyone going to tell her?” Pinoe was bursting with excitement.

 

Tobin was confused once again, “Tell her what?”

 

Sydney pointed out, “This happened at the last hotel. Kelley got a hold of the keys first and locked Hope out. Don’t you remember Hope hopping from room to room for a good portion of the first night?”

 

“Oh, I thought she was just being friendly! Well, shouldn’t we say something?”

 

Abby interrupted and nodded, “Just wait for it…in 3…2…1…”

 

“Oh shit! God damn it, O’Hara! Kelley!” Hope’s voice echoed down the hallways as she took off in a sprint towards her room.

 

“Yup. There it is.” Pinoe laughed, not one to miss out on a good prank.

 

-

 

Kelley thanked her lucky stars. For the second week in a row, she was rooming with Hope.

 

Hope Solo.

 

Hope- resting bitch face, badass, best goalkeeper in the world, piercing blue-eyes- Solo.

 

To Kelley, this room assignment was both a blessing and a curse. Blessing in the sense that she had more opportunities to spend time with Hope. Sure, she had always been closest to Alex and Tobin, but something about Hope always left her wanting more. Most people found Hope super unapproachable, but for some reason, Kelley thrived on this. Getting to know Hope on a deeper level was simply amazing, and so worth her time. She sort of viewed it as a challenge and competition between her and her teammates to see who could get Hope to open up the fastest. So far she was winning and that made her feel special.

 

But of course, their friendship (for lack of a better word) was a double edged sword.

 

Rooming with Hope was a curse simply because whenever she was around, Kelley would lose all sense of control. There was no doubt in her mind that she could possibly be falling for the tall, dark haired goalkeeper, and this kept her up at night. Every time Hope laughed at her overrated (well underrated in her opinion) jokes or made the slightest eye contact with her, Kelley felt shivers down her spine. Every time they touched, she felt herself go numb. No one else made her feel that way, and she wanted more. She needed more.

 

They spent way too much time together that weekend, thoroughly enjoying each other’s company. On occasion, they would dare to flirt, only increasing the passionate tension between them. The flirting could happen anytime, anywhere, but 80% of the time, it involved Kelley not being able to keep her hands to herself, and 20% of them bickering.

 

On their last night together as roommates, the pair stayed in their room for most of the night. Being the clever person that she was, Kelley claimed that Hope’s bed had a better view of the TV screen and crawled next to Hope’s side. Hope rolled her eyes, but didn’t object. They finished about half an episode of Glee before Hope snatched the remote from Kelley and shut the TV off.

 

“I’m not going to watch another minute of high school kids singing and dancing.” Hope declared and sat on the edge of the bed.

 

Kelley frowned and looked at Hope with the largest puppy eyes, “But I like Glee!”

 

Hope broke eye contact with her, “Don’t give me that look…come on, let’s go for a walk.”

 

“But I was comfortable!” Kelley glared. It was the truth though, Kelley had been very comfortable lying next to Hope.

 

“A little exercise won’t hurt you.”

 

Kelley rolled her eyes, “Jeez, I know that! I’m a professional soccer player for God’s sake.” She slowly stood up, giving in to Hope.

 

The pair left the hotel, and Kelley soon regretted walking so close to Hope. With every stride they took, their hands brushed and Kelley’s heart would skip a beat. They walked in silence, but it wasn’t awkward- it was nice. For some reason, not saying anything to each other and just being in each other’s presence was enough. They ended up at a nearby park and sat down next to each other on a bench. Kelley took the opportunity to lay her head on Hope’s shoulder, who once again, did not object.

 

Breaking the silence, Hope softly asked, “You going to miss me?”

 

“You wish.”

 

“Rude!” Hope moved away, leaving Kelley hanging.

 

“No, come back! You were a nice head rest.” Kelley tugged at Hope and scooted closer to her again. She grinned, but then in a more serious tone, said, “I’ll miss you, Hope.”

 

“Me too, Kell…this weekend was nice. I guess you’re not too bad of a roommate after all.”

 

As she laid her head down on Hope’s shoulder, Kelley felt the world around her stopped. She wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.

 

Hope lightened the mood, “So this weekend, we established that it takes you approximately 1.5 hours to fall asleep and that in my past life, I was Lara Croft Tomb Raider.”

 

“I say it was a pretty successful weekend then.” Kelley giggled.

 

Kelley’s laugh was music to Hope’s ears. She loved how she laughed with so much joy and no care in the world, like she was a little girl again. Hope thrived off her youthfulness.

 

Hope smiled and then said, “Kell, Pia roomed us together for a reason…the least we could do is talk about the upcoming games. How are you feeling about them?”

 

Kelley sat up and shrugged, “Besides the usual nerves, I’m feeling pretty good.”

 

“Good…you’ve worked hard.”

 

“Well, I couldn’t have done it without you.”

 

“That’s what they all say.”

 

“No really, Hope. Thanks for everything…thanks for pushing me to be my best.” Kelley hated how cheesy that came out.

 

“I only pushed you so that my job becomes easier.” They both laughed.

 

A few minutes later, Hope looked at Kelley straight in the eyes and softly said, “But really, Kelley, you’ve done such a great job in both training and the first few games of this tournament…what’s your secret.”

 

Kelley melted at Hope’s words. The Hope Solo, the best leader in soccer defense, just complemented her and wanted to know “her secret.” What did that even mean? Kelley felt herself heat up as her nerves fired all over the place.

 

“My…my secret?”

 

“Yeah, like how you approach each game. What are you thinking about on the field?”

 

“Seriously? You’re interested in me? I mean, my secret?” Kelley blushed at her word fumble.  

 

Hope smiled, loving how easy it was to make Kelley squirm. She egged her on, “Do share.”

 

Kelley stuttered and then composed herself, “Th…this is going to sound weird. But when I’m out on the field, I imagine each step and each decision as if I were on a cliff.”

 

“I don’t like heights.” Hope interrupted.

 

“Hold on, I’m not finished…wait really?” Kelley raised an eyebrow. “Hope Solo is afraid of heights? The best and most hardcore goalkeeper on this planet can’t handle not touching the ground?”

 

“Whoa there! Last time I checked, you don’t like them either!”

 

“Last time you checked?” Kelley raised her eyebrow even higher and smirked.

 

Only Kelley could make Hope speechless. Hope gave it her best shot, but failed horribly, “Whatever, you’re closer to the ground anyways.”

 

“Oh that is a pathetic comeback and you know it.” Kelley bickered.

 

“Alright, you got me. Continue.” Hope refocused Kelley.

 

“So anyways, think about the feeling you would get when standing on that edge. It’s gut wrenching. Adrenaline is coursing through your entire body- and while it’s absolutely terrifying, you can’t help but love it because it electrifies you. That is what it feels like to be alive. And that is exactly how I want to feel every time the ball is at my feet.”

 

As Kelley spoke, Hope had become entranced. She first noticed Kelley’s hair and how it perfectly framed her face- her face with a constellation of freckles that Hope found so lovable. Her eyes drifted downwards and towards the young defender’s lips, and all she could do was hope that Kelley didn’t notice how distracted she was.

 

Oh, but Kelley did.

 

Kelley fidgeted under Hope’s intense stare and looked down, doing everything she could to maintain her dignity and the little self-control that she had left.

 

Hope lowered her head so she was closer to Kelley, teasing her as she went. “So being out on that edge…what if I fall?”

 

Kelley breathed gently and lifted her eyes to meet Hope’s. “I’ll catch you.”

 

And with those three words and the strong, zealous implication of desire behind them, the remaining gap between them closed. Kelley gently pressed her lips against Hope’s, begging for entry. Hope gladly obliged, deepened the kiss, and pursued the passion between them.

 

This kiss was different. Neither of them had experienced anything like this. There was something so electrifying about it, and Hope could only imagine that this was the edge that Kelley had been talking about.   

 

This kiss was what it felt like to be alive.


	2. Kiss Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Things would get heated, but never scorched. Somehow, they were able to take a step back and put out the fire before it spread...But of course that didn’t last long."

Hope watched as rain droplets rolled down the window of her hotel room. She loved the rain. When she was home in Seattle, her favorite downtime was to pour herself a cup of coffee, grab a good book, and watch the rain fall from her cozy bedroom. The pitter patter sound that the rain drops made as they hit the window pane had always been soothing to her. The Olympics were well underway, and the tournament was only going to get more challenging from here on out, so she was very thankful for the sudden bout of summer rain. Most of the team had gone out exploring on their off day, but Hope was content with staying in the hotel by herself. She liked the peace and quiet, and was surprised to hear a faint knock on her door. She reluctantly left the coziness of her bed and answered the door. Her expression softened as she realized who stood on the other side.

 

“Hey loner.”

 

“I thought you went out with the rest of the girls?” Hope tried to hide her excitement from seeing her freckled faced teammate.

 

“Nah, I took this morning to sleep in. But now I’m bored and want to hit the field for some extra practice. Care to join?” Kelley half-lied. She decided not to join the rest of her team on their explorations, hoping she would get some alone time with her favorite keeper.

 

“It’s raining outside.” Hope pointed out.

 

“So?”

 

“I would prefer to stay dry in my hotel room, thank you very much.”

 

“A little rain won’t hurt you.”

 

“Kell, it’s pouring.”

 

“Come on! It’ll be fun!” Kelley pleaded out of desperation.

 

“The turf is going to be slippery. What if we hurt ourselves? What if I fall?” Hope reasoned.

 

“I’ll catch you.”

 

At that moment, Hope knew she had lost. Kelley grinned, way too proud of herself for coming up with that response. Hope sighed and gave in, quickly changing into her training clothes and grabbing her cleats.

 

The pair headed out onto the training field, where they would remain for a good portion of the day. Kelley practiced shooting while Hope practiced her saves. They then ended up playing some one on one soccer, mostly to help Kelley with her defensive techniques. At one point, Kelley slide tackled Hope, gaining possession of the ball. Surprised by her interception and slightly put off by Kelley’s expression of victory, Hope ran after the younger woman and picked her up, twirling her around.

 

“Not fair! FOUL!” Kelley struggled to be freed of Hope’s strong grasp.

 

The two played footsie for a while before toppling on top of each other. With Hope on top, their bodies pressed together perfectly- as if they were puzzle pieces- on the muddy and wet field. They were both soaking from the ongoing downpour of rain, and yet they didn’t budge. Kelley’s eyes glittered as she cheekily grinned and looked up.  

 

“I told you I’d catch you.”

 

Kelley waited in anticipation for Hope’s response. She bit her lip nervously- was that too tacky of a one-liner? She never planned on them laying on top of each other on the middle of an open field, but hey, she was going to take every opportunity of it. They had never talked about the kiss from the other weekend- their very first kiss. Nothing much changed between the two after. Nothing was awkward. They just avoided bringing it up, although Kelley really wanted to. She would kill to know what Hope was thinking.

 

Oh right, Hope- the gorgeous and most breathtaking woman in Kelley’s world, and the one laying on top of her at this very moment- made a move. She looked around carefully before looking down at Kelley, her face slowly breaking out into a smile.

 

Hope leaned down and kissed her.

 

Again.

 

Except this time, the kiss wasn’t as soft and cautious. This kiss was far more powerful than the first. It screamed “give me more,” as if the two teammates had been deprived of each other for years.

 

A lightbulb suddenly turned on in Kelley’s head. This was why they never talked about their first kiss- they didn’t have to talk about a lot of things.

 

They just had to show each other.

 

-

 

That moment on the field was the start of many more. Whenever the pair were alone, they would somehow end up in each other’s arms, failing terribly at keeping their hands to themselves. Things would get heated, but never scorched. Somehow, they were able to take a step back and put out the fire before it spread.

 

But of course that didn’t last long.

 

At one particular team dinner, Kelley was on the brink of losing control (not that she really had much in the first place). She could not keep her eyes off of Hope and was distracted by everything she did. They decided not to sit next to each other, in hopes of showing everyone that they weren’t actually two peas in a pod, but that did not stop Kelley from catching glimpses here and there- or rather, all the time. She was distracted by every little thing- Hope’s voice, her laugh, the way she flipped her hair back- so much so, that Kelley would often find herself forgetting to eat. What made things worse was that Hope knew Kelley was distracted.

 

And she took advantage of it.

 

Hope knew how to play mind games well; she was a goalkeeper after all. Whatever was in the air that night did not just affect Kelley. Something was making her feel…daring.

 

She wanted to take a risk. A dangerous risk.

 

Over the past few days, she noticed that Kelley would bite her lip either because she was anxious or trying to hold back. She knew every little thing she did would set off Kelley and she was going to have a ton of fun with this. She laughed extra loud, just so it rang a little longer in Kelley’s ears, and licked her lips after every bit of her food. Fully aware that Kelley’s eyes had narrowed onto her once again, Hope slightly turned her body, and smirked.

 

And the she winked.

 

The gulp of water that Kelley unfortunately just took was now all over her lap. She choked because Hope winked.

 

She freaking _winked_.

 

Who does that?! Noticing her teammates were giving her strange looks, Kelley tried to pass off her mess with a laugh. Hope was going to pay for that one.

 

The dinner continued, and Kelley felt herself warm up and her leg start to tremble with anxiety. She did her best to not make eye contact with Hope, but caught herself staring once again. She was on the edge, what did she expect?

 

This time, Kelley noticed Hope push back her chair and place her napkin on the table. She quickly downed her glass of wine and said her goodbyes to everyone, claiming she was heading back to the hotel in hopes of going to bed early.

 

That was her sign.

 

Kelley knew she should do something in about ten minutes or so, but she couldn’t wait that long. Following suit quickly, about two minutes later to be exact, Kelley downed the rest of her whiskey and also excused herself from the table. She prayed that her teammates thought nothing of the two leaving so suddenly, but frankly, she didn’t really care either.

 

Kelley’s legs carried her fast back to the hotel and as she turned the corner onto their team floor, she felt herself slam into a brick wall.

 

A brick wall of sexual tension.

 

Hope had grabbed her out of nowhere and pinned her against the wall, immediately closing the gap between them. Hope silently thanked God that it was Kelley because if she accidentally pulled that little hat trick on anyone else, there would be a lot of explaining to do on her part.

 

They stayed in the hallway before Kelley reluctantly stopped herself from latching onto Hope. She pointed out worriedly, “We have like an hour before the team returns from dinner.”

 

“Then let’s just make the most of that hour.” Hope responded as she grabbed Kelley’s hand.

 

Luckily, Hope’s room was the first door next to them, and Kelley felt herself being dragged through the door. Falling onto the bed together, Kelley couldn’t tell if she was alive or sent to heaven for crashing into a wall. She bit down on Hope’s bottom lip, eliciting a moan that sent her nerves firing in all directions. Kelley tugged on Hope’s bottoms, and was soon surprised to feel a pair of hands on top of hers, stopping the action.

 

“Kell…”

 

“Hmmm…” Kelley continued to leave trails of kisses down Hope’s neck and onto her shoulder.

 

Hope repeated, “Kell…”

 

“For God’s sake, what?” Kelley finally stopped and looked Hope straight in the eye.

 

“This is all physical…you know that, right?” Hope softly said, putting a stranded piece of hair behind Kelley’s ear.

 

Kelley was caught off guard and felt slightly disappointed that they were about to have this conversation, especially when they had never talked about what was going on between them before. But her strong emotions of lust flooded her brain and prevented her from thinking. Without further thought she responded, “Yeah…yeah.”

 

“Just sex. Okay?” Hope tried to reaffirm.

 

“Uhm, duh!” Kelley grinned.

 

“Kelley, I mean it…”

 

“Oh my god, just kiss me, will you?! We have 56 minutes left on the clock!”

 

Hope shook her head, not very pleased with how the conversation ended, but then she realized this probably wasn’t the best moment to bring it up since her body was begging all sorts of things from her, and its requests trumped her mind. She pressed her lips against Kelley’s once more as her hand crept up the younger defender’s shirt, eventually pulling it off in all of its entirety.

 

The hour flew by fast, and Kelley was able to sneak off- or rather shoved out of the door by an overly cautious Hope- before any of their teammates returned to the hotel. That night, Kelley fell asleep with the dorkiest and biggest smile on her face.

 

-

 

The next morning, Kelley remained in bed until the last minute possible, patiently waiting for Sydney to leave the room first for breakfast. As soon as she did, Kelley whipped out her phone.

 

_Kelley: Round 2???_

_Hope: Coming._

 

About thirty seconds later, there was a knock at the door. Kelley bounced up and opened it. She raised an eyebrow and smirked, “Well someone’s eager. Can’t get enough of me, huh?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Hope closed the door behind them and soon most clothes were on the floor. Too involved in their own little world, they failed to register the doorknob turning, resulting in the opening of the door. Sydney walked in and as soon as she realized that Kelley was indeed straddling Hope, she covered her eyes.

 

“Oh shit, sorry! Oh my god.”

 

“Syd!” Kelley and Hope exclaimed simultaneously and broke apart from each other.

 

Giving each of them enough time to throw on a shirt, Sydney dropped her hands back down to her side and slowly began, “Wait…seriously?! You guys actually hooked up? Damn it…PINOE! PINOEEEEEEE! Get in here!”

 

Pinoe’s room was just next door and of course, being the wonderful teammate that she was, Pinoe brought in four of her teammates with her. Her smile widened at the sight before her.

 

Abby pointed out the obvious, “Why are you two half dressed?”

 

Pinoe joked, “Yeah, guys, have the decency to put on some pants! Oh, wait, I guess you don’t need any for what you were doing.”

 

Kelley blushed and Hope rolled her eyes, “Well if you all would give us a minute, we could put all our clothes on in peace!”

 

Sydney then turned to the rest of her teammates and exclaimed, “Damn it! Ali’s good! She’s not even here, and she won!”

 

Pinoe wasn’t quick to lose and turned to her teammates, “Wait, when did you two hook up?”

 

Kelley was still stunned by the presence of her teammates and stuttered, “Uh….w…well things happened that one weekend…the second weekend we were roommates.”

 

“Ha! So I won then!” Pinoe exclaimed.

 

“Hold on, you said hook up.” Sydney retorted.

 

“Well by that, I meant become a thing.”

 

“No way. Hook up means _hook up_. Ali wins fair and square.” Abby finished Sydney’s thought.

 

“Wait, how do you guys know that we actually hooked up?” Hope pointed out, trying to save every last ounce of dignity she had left.

 

“Well did you?” Pinoe asked point blank.

 

Hope blushed, and Sydney smiled, “Well there’s our answer. Ali still wins though.”

 

Pinoe interrupted, “Okay, pause.” She took out her phone and called Ali. After a short, but cryptic conversation, she turned back to her teammates and smiled victoriously. “Ali’s splitting her winnings with me.”

 

“What the hell?! That’s not how it works!” Sydney disagreed.

 

“Are we missing something?” Kelley felt like she had been left in the dark and was thoroughly confused.

 

Pinoe ignored her question and demanded, “Alright, everyone pay up!”

 

Hope finally figured out what her teammates had been up to and her jaw dropped, “Oh my god! You guys bet on us?!”

 

“Sorry not sorry! I mean, how could we not?! Pinoe said as she counted the bills in her hands.

 

Abby commented, “Well, it’s about damn time this is official.”

 

Kelley followed up and stuttered, “Wh…what made you guys even think that we…”

 

Abby shrugged and cut her off, “We always knew you two hit it off well. At first, we pegged you guys as fast made friends. But then we noticed how you guys light up every time the other would walk into the room. It was just a matter of time before you’d woman up and share it with us…we just didn’t know when. So we decided to make a game out of it!”  

 

“But…but how did you know for sure?”

 

Sydney rolled her eyes, “Do you guys not notice the way you act around each other?”

 

“What are you talking about?” Kelley asked.

 

Pinoe responded, “Wow, you guys must really be in your own little world…you can’t keep your hands off each other! There’s a lot of touchy feely going on, honestly.”

 

Sydney added, “It’s so obvious! During practice, you two literally cannot stop staring at each other. And you do it during games too- hell, sometimes I think Solo here is too busy tracking Kelley’s every move that she might miss a save!”

 

“You two bring out the best each other- it’s cute. I’ve never seen you two happier. Kel, you’ve always been goofy but there’s like a sense of true joy and happiness when you’re around Hope. It’s genuine. And Hope, you’re so much more relaxed nowadays. It takes a special person to bring that out in you.” Abby explained further.

 

Sydney started to shake her head at her teammates who had been silent this entire time- Carli, Alex, and Tobin. “Oh my gosh, you three. The relief is shining out of your faces! Now you don’t have to keep this a secret from the rest of us- although you can’t really call this much of a secret now…” She smirked.

 

“Hey! We didn’t know they actually made it official! I mean we heard things here and there, but…” Alex’s voice trailed off as she noticed that Kelley was trying to shush her.

 

Tobin defended herself and looked at Kelley, “Well, it’s not our fault that you two are way too obvious when it comes to your relationship. I told you people would catch on!”

 

“Wait our relationship?” Hope didn’t like using that word.

 

Carli let out a small laugh, “This team isn’t stupid, you know.”

“Shut it, Carli.” Hope glared at her best friend, not wanting to hear another word out of anyone.

 

Abby concluded the conversation, “But really guys, I think I speak on behalf of the team when I say that we’re beyond excited for you two. What you guys have is special and we’re going to support you all the way. Congrats.”

 

“Yeah, I’m glad we’re all on the same page now. Thank goodness you’re finally a thing now! Sorry for interrupting!” Sydney apologized. 

 

Hope began, “Wait, but we’re not…” She didn’t even finish her sentence as her teammates had already exited the room. The two women stood in silence for what seemed like forever.

 

“But we’re not what?” Kelley softly asked. “Like what are we actually doing?”

 

Hope looked at her younger teammate before her and was speechless. She didn’t have an answer because she simply couldn’t define what was going on between them. What were they doing?

 

And for the first time, the silence had become awkward.  


	3. Head Over Cleats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is going to end unhappily ever after…I’m going to hurt her. I just know it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in a few days. Thanks to college, I probably won't be able to update as often as I'd like to...but stick with me- I promise I won't leave this unfinished! Also, let's all take a moment for the fact that Kelley and Hope will be on the same field for the game today. (Pro tip: check tumblr for live updates on the match!)
> 
> Anyways, enjoy this chapter! :)

Alex and Tobin were in the middle of their favorite game, Monopoly Deal, when Kelley walked into the room well past midnight. They watched her quietly shut the door and walk straight pass their bed to her own, clearly distracted. Continuing to ignore them, Kelley sat down and took out her phone, her thumbs moving at the speed light as she sent multiple texts. Her smile radiated throughout the room, making Alex and Tobin look at each other with raised eyebrows.

 

“Kell?” Alex tried.

 

Receiving no answer, Tobin shouted, “KELLEY O’HARA.”

 

Kelley was startled and she looked up, “Hm?”

 

“Seriously? You just spent the entire day with her.” Alex shook her head.

 

Kelley ignored her two friends once again as her text tone went off. She typed out a text before finally putting her phone down and getting up to prepare herself for bed. Alex and Tobin watched her like hawks, noticing that there was no way her smile was going to be wiped off her face.

 

“Oh my god.” Alex and Tobin said in unison.

 

That caught Kelley’s attention as she looked up, “What?”

 

Alex let out a small laugh, “You’re head over cleats.”

 

“Come again?”

 

“Head over cleats.” Tobin repeated.

 

Alex explained further, “You know…like in the same way that Ashlyn and Ali are head over cleats.”

 

Kelley finally realized where the conversation was heading and retorted, “Am not!”

 

“You totally are.”

 

“You’re just jealous that I haven’t been spending time with you guys.” Kelley made up an excuse.

 

“You’ve been nonstop smiling since day one of this tournament.” Tobin pointed out.

 

“Hope and I…we just click. We work well together, both on and off the field. I get butterflies when I’m with her, and I’ve never felt this way before. The way she looks at me with her deep blue eyes and perfect smile, and when she…” Kelley realized she was rambling and blushed. “Just leave me alone!”

 

Alex thought it was cute how Kelley would get lost in her words when it came to Hope. But deep down, she had a funny feeling about what exactly was happening between them. The whole team knew Hope wasn’t the most emotionally stable person on the team and how often she got into trouble because of that. Not wanting one of her best friends to get hurt in Hope’s crossfire, she decided to speak up.

 

“Kell, we’re really happy for you. But at the same time, we think you need to be careful about…whatever is happening between you and Hope.” Alex stated honestly.

 

“Al, this isn’t what it looks like. We’re happy together. We truly are.” Kelley defended herself, and then Hope. “You just have to get to know her…Hope isn’t what everyone portrays her to be.”

 

“I believe you, Kell. I think you’re really good for her and you make her open up in ways that no one else can. But I don’t think even you can change who she is.”

 

“Change? But I know Hope. It’s not like that.”

 

“Kell, don’t let your emotions blindside you.”

 

“Thanks for your concern, but I’ll come to you if I need anything.” Kelley said, trying to end the conversation.

 

Tobin nodded, “We can only do so much, so just look out for yourself, okay?”

 

Kelley remained silent while her thoughts flew a hundred miles an hour. No matter what Alex and Tobin or really anyone said about her and Hope, she would stay true to her instincts.

 

There was something special.

 

What they had together was fun, magical, and just…pure. She enjoyed every minute they had spent together thus far, and was always left wanting more. She couldn’t get enough of Hope and she was more than okay with that. However, she was still just one step from admitting that to anyone, or even herself.

 

Because they never had this discussion.

 

Just the two of them.

 

Hope never addressed their…relationship (as Kelley would’ve liked to call it), and most definitely did not bring it up. Kelley didn’t bother to either just because she thought they didn’t need to. They sort of skipped the whole “What is this?” and went straight to consummation. It wasn’t just sex though.

 

It couldn’t be.

 

Kelley couldn’t even find words to explain their bond and while she liked to dwell on that, her mind drifted to another thought- one that she didn’t particularly like to think about.

 

So, maybe Hope did bring this up…that one time they were together.

 

The night that Kelley gave everything to Hope.

 

The moment that Kelley was pretty sure the both of them knew this was the real deal.

 

That this could last forever.

 

Kelley vividly remembered how they were so engulfed in each other, and how suddenly that was broken when Hope told her that it was “just sex.” But she never expanded past that, leaving Kelley in the dark.

 

And just now, since Alex had brought this up, Kelley realized how unsettling this all was. That she didn’t know where her and Hope stood.

 

What they had was special…right? Or was she imagining all this? Was she really “head over cleats” for Hope?

 

More importantly, did Hope feel the same?

 

-

 

Hope quickly sent a good night text to Kelley, officially ending their time together for the night. She headed towards her room, even placing her hand on the doorknob, when it happened.

 

She panicked.

 

Hope felt her face become flushed with heat and her heart begin to beat faster, and then start skipping beats. Her hands started to tremble and her breathing got heavier. Although it barely registered in her brain, her legs steered her in a different direction until she found herself in front of a door just a few doors down from her own.

 

She knocked.

 

The door opened and Hope’s voice trembled.

 

“I…I need Carli.”

 

Hope stared anxiously at her short-haired, bleach blonde teammate in front of her.

 

“Pinoe, I need Carli. Now.”

 

With her hair a mess, Pinoe squinted at the bright light of the hallway. “Really, Hope? Now?”

 

“That’s what I said.”

 

“She’s asleep…and I would like to be too.” Pinoe replied.

 

“Just let me speak to her.”

 

“You know, once Carli falls asleep…”

 

Hope interrupted her, getting more restless by the minute. “Yes! I know! I’m her best friend. Can you just get her for me?!”

 

“Hope, she’s really not going to wake up. Can’t you just…”

 

“NOW!” Hope shot Pinoe a nasty glare.  

 

Pinoe’s eyes widened, surprised that she was getting so violent at this hour. “Okay, okay, just stop shouting in my face.” Pinoe looked back into her room and whispered loudly, “Carli? Carliiiiii. A mean and insensitive human is here, at this ungodly hour might I add, and she’s asking for her therapist.”

 

Hope rolled her eyes, but motioned for Pinoe to continue. Pinoe raised her voice, “Hey! I know you can hear me, Counselor Carli. Get up! I don’t know what your patient and her little defender were up to tonight, but I think she needs some advice…like on how to get into one’s pants or something. Maybe she already did, but really? She’s going to share details with you? I mean, I’m all for listening to friends and all…but you guys seriously talk about smut together? That’s just…”

 

Hope’s eyes enlarged at Pinoe’s sudden word vomit, and quickly reacted. “Oh for God’s sake…MOVE IT, PINOE!” She shoved her way past her half asleep teammate who was blocking the door. She flicked on all the lights and abruptly pulled the covers off of her best friend.

 

Charli rolled over and mumbled, “No.”

 

“CARLI!” Hope felt her blood rush at an abnormally fast rate through her veins.

 

“I’m asleep.” Carli suddenly felt herself make contact with the floor. “Jesus! Was that really necessary?!”

 

“Always. Now come on, sleeping beauty.” Hope helped Carli off of the floor and dragged her by the arm into the hallway.

 

Knowing her eyes were just now adjusting to the lights of the hallway, Carli blinked a few times, hoping to make the blurry image of her best friend become clear. She yawned, but then kicked herself awake, not believing what she saw in front of her.

 

Her best friend was crying.

 

The one and only Hope Solo had tears rolling down her face. Real tears. And lots of them, too.

 

Carli froze. Usually, when Hope came to her with something that was bothering her, she’d just be upset and would end up talking up a storm. Carli was used to just listening and soaking up everything, not talking or offering advice until she was sure Hope had finished talking. And when Hope came to her late night just as she did now, Carli would tune out. But she couldn’t do that tonight. Carli wasn’t quite sure what she should do, honestly.

 

Because never before had Hope come to her crying.

 

Carli knew that often times, actions speak louder than words, so she placed a comforting hand on Hope and squeezed her shoulder in assurance- that she, as her best friend, was going to support her and just be with her. This only made things worse as Hope further broke down into tears and lowered her head onto Carli’s shoulder, as if she was hiding from the rest of the world. Carli hugged the suddenly vulnerable Hope Solo, and then guided her into the little nook on their hotel floor where vending machines were kept. She knew that privacy had always been one of Hope’s top concerns.

 

The two friends remained silent, except for Hope’s sniffles here and there. Carli knew she didn’t have to say a word just yet. Hope would talk to her when she felt like it was time. After all, she didn’t wake her up for nothing.

 

As Carli predicted, no more than five minutes later, Hope wiped her tears, indicating she was ready to speak up.  

 

“This is another unhappy ending.”

 

“No, it’s not.” Carli stated immediately, not waiting until Hope finished talking to start giving her two cents. 

 

“This is going to end unhappily ever after…I’m going to hurt her. I just know it.”

 

Carli shook her head, “No. Stop speaking that over yourself. If you keep thinking like this, pretty soon you’ll believe it!”

 

Hope’s eyes glistened with tears as she spoke, “What we have between us is the real deal. Kelley O’Hara is perfect. She’s young, she’s irritating, she’s kind, she’s funny…She’s everything that I never knew I needed.”

 

“Hope, this is a good thing!” Carli encouraged her to keep talking about Kelley, hoping it would allow her to see the good in their relationship.

 

Unfortunately the conversation changed its course- and not in the direction she had hoped.

 

“No…no…NO!” Hope put her head in her hands. “I shouldn’t have allowed for this to happen. I never pictured us this way. We were friends. Just friends. Nothing more. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

 

“But it did, Hope! And that’s a good thing. It’s amazing! You and Kelley just… _happened_!” Carli tried to knock some sense into her.

 

“But it _shouldn’t_ have.” Hope reiterated. “I can’t love her. I don’t have that in me. I’m not capable of doing so. I don’t know how to love.”

 

“Clearly!” Carli sighed.

 

“What am I doing? Why did I allow this? Why am I doing this to us? Kelley doesn’t deserve this. Kelley doesn’t deserve me.” Hope sounded defeated.

 

Knowing this would only go in circles, Carli simply advised, “Hope, listen to me. Trust me on this. Kelley is a good thing. Hell, I think she’s your happy ending. But…this is all I have for you. There is only so much I can do or say for you. I can tell you how to drive, but you’re ultimately in the driver’s seat. You’re a good person, Hope. You have every right to be happy. If you don’t want to believe that, then don’t. But…”

 

“What?”

 

“But just do me a favor and don’t bring the kid down with you, okay? Kelley, just as much as you do, deserves a happy ending. So if you’re having these insane thoughts now, you need to stop this. You need to be honest with her. Tell her what you’re afraid of, and how you believe that whatever you have with her lacks potential. Please don’t drag this out…it’s only going to make things worse in the end. Be truthful to her…and to yourself.”

 

Hope hated when Carli was right, but that’s why she kept her around. Most of all though, Hope hated making decisions.

 

And right now, there was a pretty darn big decision staring right at her- waiting to be made. 


	4. Out Of My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Were they in love? Kelley liked to think so. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in updating. Thanks for waiting and enjoy!

Their match against Canada was incredibly tough.

 

Sure, they had come out with a win (thanks to Alex’s unbelievable last second goal), but they only won by a slim margin. The game itself had everything a soccer match should encompass, like the great set pieces and on edge moments, but the team knew they had to step it up a notch for the final. They couldn’t just play great, they had to play exceptionally.

 

Kelley was exhausted.

 

She had tired herself out quickly on the field and because of that, she was making poor decisions of her placement. There had been times where she found herself getting yelled at repeatedly by Hope and the rest of the backline. But Kelley knew that her bad play wasn’t just because of physical reasons.

 

She was distracted.

 

By Hope.

 

Not because she was yelling at her to step up on the field, but because Hope had been distancing herself over the past few weeks. They still spent quite a lot of time together and Hope tried to seem like nothing was wrong, but Kelley could tell right off the bat that something happened. She worried it had been something she had done, but Kelley couldn’t pinpoint exactly what because every minute they spent together she thought had gone really well. Their conversations were still easy and light, and Kelley felt at ease around the older woman. They were definitely still attracted to each other as well, both Kelley and Hope not afraid to begin physical contact.

 

Kelley knew their connection was very much real. She believed in their relationship. She believed in them. There was no way none of this was not real- the way she had the ability to make Hope smile and laugh or the way Hope could be so endearing at times that it melted Kelley’s heart. Their relationship was electrifying- and like their first kiss, it made them come alive.

 

So really, what was going on in Hope’s head? They were fine spending time together, but the issue was getting to that point. Hope hardly made an effort to find Kelley and explicitly ask to hang out. Often times, Kelley felt like Hope was avoiding her. Before, Hope would come straight to her after a game or practice and never leave her side until that night, or sometimes, even the following day. Lately, Hope had also started to make up excuses and claimed she was getting “busier” each day. To put it simply, Kelley missed Hope.

 

She missed feeling wanted.

 

Kelley wanted to talk to Hope about her insecurities, but at the same time, she didn’t want to appear like she was overthinking their relationship, or lack thereof. She knew that from the very beginning, she was the one to give more- the one who was all in. Kelley believed in her feelings for Hope, so much so that she wouldn’t let it bother her. Deep down, she knew that Hope also believed in them. She had to. She just wouldn’t acknowledge it.

 

But after struggling with her thoughts for quite some time now, Kelley figured it was worth a shot to confront the goalkeeper. She was starting to get sick of never knowing what attitude she’d get from Hope and hated being the one who was constantly making an effort for them.

 

“Hey.”

 

“You alone?” Kelley strangely felt uncomfortable stepping into Hope’s room without an invitation, so she stood on the other side.

 

Noticing Kelley’s odd behavior and how she was peeking to look inside, Hope smiled softly, “You can come in, you know.”

 

Soon, the pair settled down on the bed, something that had become routine whenever they were together. They would just relax and lay down in silence, in the comfort of each other’s arms. Kelley rolled over so her face was inches away from Hope’s, and Hope almost lost it.

 

Kelley was gorgeous.

 

Her hazel green eyes were so inviting, but contained a spark in them that bewildered Hope. The freckles on her face only added to her youthfulness, and as Hope’s eyes traced their pattern, she quickly found herself staring at Kelley’s soft, and so tempting, lips.

 

Not being able to refrain herself, Hope lowered her head until she softly locked lips with Kelley. She had been gentle, but pulled away, realizing that Kelley was not reciprocating her gesture.

 

Kelley wanted more than anything to return Hope’s kiss, but she placed her hand gently on Hope’s arm, signaling her to halt.

 

“Hope…”

 

“Something wrong?”

 

“We need to talk.”

 

Hope knew that sentence was never good, but not wanting to show weakness, she nodded, “Go ahead.”

 

Kelley took a big gulp. “Are we…okay?”

 

“Okay?”

 

“I don’t know…the last game was a mess, and I…”

 

Hope interrupted, “Don’t worry about the last game- we all have our off days.”

 

“No I know…I’m talking about us. I was distracted the whole game because of _us_.”

 

“Us?”

 

“Yeah…I just feel like we’ve plateaued.”

 

“Is that a…problem?”

 

“Well I don’t know…shouldn’t it be?” Kelley thought that a relationship should progress, not stay stagnant. Things between her and Hope weren’t clear yet- were they friends? No, they were more than that. Were they dating? Perhaps.

 

Were they in love? Kelley liked to think so.  

 

Hope shrugged, “I don’t think anything’s wrong.”

 

Kelley sighed, “I just feel like it’s getting harder to read your thoughts...like you’ve locked me out.”

 

Hope remained silent. Everything that Kelley was hinting at was true. She couldn’t get closer to Kelley. She didn’t know how, and she was beyond terrified of commitment. She wasn’t ready to let go of Kelley quite yet, but she knew that Kelley was also not part of her long term plan. She just couldn’t be.

 

Heavily conflicted, Hope did what she knew how to do best. Ignore. She sighed, “Kell, is this a conversation we really need to have right this minute?”

 

“I just…I just need to know where we stand.”

 

“We’ll figure that out as we go along.”

 

Hope meant her last sentence to conclude their conversation, much to Kelley’s dismay. Why couldn’t she just accept that Kelley was the best thing that’s happened to her? Noticing that Kelley was about to speak up again, Hope quickly kissed her- partly because she had been wanting to all night and partly because she needed Kelley to simply stop talking.

 

And Kelley responded like she normally did.

 

She gave in.

 

Kelley knew this conversation wasn’t over, but her thoughts left her mind as she suddenly became overwhelmed by Hope’s hands finding their way up her shirt. She knew Hope wouldn’t open up right away, but tonight was a start, and that was good enough for her.

 

It had to be good enough.

 

-

 

They won gold.

 

They _freaking_ won gold.

 

At the end of the final, Hope and Kelley ran to each other first. Without saying a word to each other, they just embraced. This was one of the biggest moments in their careers, especially Kelley, who had worked so hard throughout the tournament. Kelley had Hope to thank for that, and she wasn’t letting go any time soon. Everything around them had become a blur, but Kelley’s thoughts were crystal clear.

 

She loved Hope Solo.

 

Hope held Kelley close, loving the way she was nuzzled into her chest, but also felt a great burden bestow upon her. The tournament had ended. It was the perfect time. The time to let go. She was weighed down by her thoughts.

 

She needed to end things.

 

The after party wasn’t how Kelley imagined it to be. She put on a smile for her teammates and celebrated with them, but it had been two hours into the party and not once had she spoken to Hope. This was supposed to be their night. A celebration for their careers, and for themselves. They deserved this. But every time Kelley would get relatively close to the keeper, Hope would drift away. She seemed to be keeping herself occupied with everything but Kelley.

 

Eventually, Kelley snuck up from behind and wrapped her arms around Hope, who was sitting alone at a table. “Hey, stranger.”

 

Hope fidgeted and removed herself from Kelley’s grasp. With a stern expression, she replied, “Hey, I think I’m going to just head back to my room.”

 

“That’s it? All night long, you’ve been acting like I don’t exist. And then once I find you, you want to leave?” Kelley didn’t mean for everything to come out so blunt, but part of it was the alcohol talking.

 

“Hey, I can do whatever I want.” Hope had a couple of drinks as well, but was sober enough to register their conversation.

 

“Hope, we’re gold-winning Olympians! This is something worth celebrating!”

 

“I am celebrating!”

 

“Damn it, Hope…I…I…just…god, are we okay???” Kelley asked once again.

 

Hope raised her voice, “Really, Kell?! Now??? You’re going to bring this up _now_?”

 

“Well when is it going to be a good time to talk about this, huh?!” Kelley’s voiced toppled over the current noise level.

 

Hope noticed their teammates beginning to stare. She hated when all the attention was focused on her, so she abruptly walked out of the room. She needed privacy.

 

Kelley wasn’t going to let Hope just walk away. She followed her out of the door, stepping into one of the momentous fights she’d have in her life.

 

“What happened to us?”

 

Hope swiveled around on her feet so that she was now facing Kelley. “What are you talking about?”

 

“What the hell changed? We used to click. Now, it’s like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around you…like you’re a bomb that’s going to explode at any moment. I hate it.” Kelley admitted before repeating, “What happened to us?”

 

“There was never an _us_!” Hope responded harshly. “We never labeled what’s going on between us, nor do I want to!”

 

“Bullshit.” Kelley said with bitterness in her tone. “I call _bullshit_. Don’t deny it, Hope. You know we’re more than just friends. There’s something different, something so special between us. I’ve never felt anything like this, and I know you haven’t either.”

 

“Don’t you dare tell me how to feel.”

 

Kelley yelled out of frustration, “What is so hard about letting me love you?! I fucking love you, Hope, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I love _you._ ”

 

Hope was taken aback. She hadn’t expected anyone, nevertheless Kelley, to say those big three words to her. She didn’t even know Kelley was this over the moon for her. If she had known, she would’ve stopped this way sooner.

 

Noticing Hope hadn’t said anything, Kelley stated again, “I love you.”

 

“Stop.” Hope couldn’t bear to hear it anymore.

 

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Kelley exasperated her claim. “How many times do I need to say this to show you how much you mean to me? I’m _yours,_ Hope. I’ve always been.”

 

Hope was getting flustered. She found herself stumbling over her words, “I…I…just stop…I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

 

Kelley didn’t want to believe what Hope was hinting at. She looked at Hope narrowly and softly replied, “So that’s it? We’re ending this? We’re just going to throw away our relationship?”

 

Hope blew up and felt herself screaming at Kelley, just to get her point across, “THERE WAS NEVER A RELATIONSHIP. Don’t you get it?! This thing…this stupid fling…should have never happened. If anything, it was just physical. All of this was nothing more than just sex. I will not, and cannot, give you anything more than this…alright?!”

 

As soon as those words came flying out of her mouth, Hope felt regret. She noticed how Kelley’s expression faded, like a bright glow leaving a light bulb as it’s shut off. It looked like Kelley had just been hit with a ton of bricks. Hope backed away, scared of what she had just done.

 

She felt like a monster.

 

She broke Kelley.

 

As Hope left her sight, Kelley felt tears rushing down her face. She made it to her own room before anyone else found her in this state. This was not how she pictured the night. She pictured laughing and dancing through the night with her teammates, not sitting alone in her hotel room, heartbroken by someone she knew was dangerous to love.

 

Kelley spent the rest of the night convincing herself that Hope didn’t mean any of those severe words. She couldn’t have mean it because she was wrong…what they had was _real._

 

Kelley still believed. In them.

 

But she was hurt. This one was going to sting for a while.

 

And not even the gold medal around her neck could make the pain go away or reassure her that she wasn’t out of her mind for loving someone who could never be hers.


	5. Invincible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And frankly, Kelley just couldn’t say no when it came to Hope."

The first victory tour match in honor of winning gold at the Olympics was in two days. Everyone was starting to arrive at the hotel, and Kelley stuck around the lobby for the majority of the day, hoping to one into a certain goalkeeper.

 

They hadn’t talked for almost a month now. No communication whatsoever. Although their last exchange had been less than friendly, Kelley wasn’t going to let Hope get rid of her that easily. She wanted to start a dialogue between them once more throughout this victory tour. She wanted to give Hope a second chance.

 

Kelley’s attention diverted towards the front hotel door as she noticed it slowly opening. As she had expected, Hope walked through with Carli. Carli had noticed Kelley waiting patiently to the side and nudged Hope to get her attention.

 

Their eyes met within a matter of seconds and Kelley suddenly forgot how to breathe. Hope had been screaming at her last time they saw each other, and yet she still had this effect on Kelley. It was like no matter what Hope did, Kelley would always be infatuated by her. Her heart began to pound as Hope walked towards her.

 

Kelley was expecting Hope to warn her one last time that she wasn’t going to take part in a relationship, but she did far from that. What came out of her mouth was quite surprising actually.

 

“I’ve missed you, Kell.”

 

Kelley suddenly felt herself being pulled in and was soon at rest against the keeper’s chance. Kelley slowly lifted her arms to embrace Hope, sighing in great relief. 

 

“I…I’ve missed you too.”

 

Hope gave her a weak smile, “I’ll see you around, okay?”

 

“Yeah. See you around.”

 

Kelley didn’t want to let go. She felt secure whenever she was in Hope’s arms- like that the two of them were going to be okay. That they were going to make it.

 

That very night, Hope did more than just “see you around.” As the team walked back from dinner at a restaurant a few blocks down, Hope pulled Kelley aside on the corner of a street. She pinned Kelley against the outside brick wall, cupped her face and kissed her. And kept kissing her.

 

Nothing about this kiss was gentle…so unlike their previous kisses.

 

It was fierce and Kelley felt trapped under Hope’s strong grip. The pressure of the kiss was so great that she was having trouble breathing. Hope eventually stopped, realizing she too needed a breath of fresh air. She panted heavily as she rested her head against Kelley’s. She locked eyes with Kelley for a brief second and without saying another word, she let go and tried to catch up with their team ahead.

 

Kelley blinked her eyes a few times. She was so caught off guard by that. There was something different about the way Hope held her just then, and the many times after that. Throughout the victory tour, both Hope and Kelley threw themselves at each other without a care in the world. Kelley was surprised by how well everything was going. Hope had her sweet moments, though she still wouldn’t explicitly define her feelings for Kelley. Hope never let it go farther than a full on make out session, but on one particular night, she craved Kelley so much so that within minutes she had Kelley gripping the bed sheets and yelling her name.

 

Hope fell asleep quickly that night, but Kelley laid wide awake next to her. She knew that what they were doing wasn’t good. Even their team hadn’t been too happy with them lately- well, they were now ignoring the two. They knew that if they ever pressured the pair into talking about their “relationship,” Kelley would just reply with “Well we’re still trying to figure that one out” and Hope would tense up and proceed to shut down.

 

But Kelley didn’t care about what the team thought. This was between her and Hope.

 

Kelley didn’t care if this was good or bad or both. That was what love was all about.

 

Love was complicated.

 

And frankly, Kelley just couldn’t say no when it came to Hope.

 

-

 

The next morning, Kelley woke up with a smile on her face- it had been a long time since she had woken up in such a state. A state of bliss.

 

She rolled over and faced Hope, removing a strand out of her face as she watched her sleep soundly. Kelley smiled and kissed her gently, feeling Hope stir awake and also smile at her touch.

 

Kelley whispered, “Hope, I think we’re going to be okay together. This feels good. This feels right.”

 

Hope’s eyes fluttered open, “Kell…”

 

“I love you.”

 

Kelley noticed that Hope was seriously considering saying those three words, but the flicker in her eyes did not last long.

 

“What if I fall?”

 

Somehow, this question kept coming back to Hope’s mind. But it wasn’t just about Kelley’s approach to soccer anymore, it was about their feelings for each other. It was about falling in love- and how Hope was so afraid of heights, so afraid of falling hard.

 

Kelley stroked Hope’s hair and with all the confidence she could muster, she replied, “I’ll catch you.”

 

-

 

The morning felt like it would last forever, but it finally became time for Hope and Kelley to get ready for practice. Hope had hopped into the shower first, leaving Kelley alone in bed. Kelley was exhausted from their night’s activity and felt herself dozing off until she was suddenly awaken by Hope’s ringtone. She let it ring the first time around, but when it rung again five minutes later, Kelley forced herself awake, picking up Hope’s phone and reading the lock screen.

 

“Jerramy Stevens”

 

Kelley didn’t know who Jerramy exactly was, but answered the call anyways. “Hello?”

 

“Hope?”

 

“Uhm, no this is Kelley- uh, one of Hope’s teammates.” Kelley was careful with her word choice.

 

“Oh, hey Kelley…uhm is Hope around?”

 

“No, she’s in the shower…I can take a message for her though.”

 

Jerramy’s deep voice softened, “Hm…actually that’d be great. Would you tell my lovely girlfriend that I was able to catch an earlier flight and was hoping to take her out to lunch? I’m on my way to the hotel from the airport right now.”

 

Kelley felt her heart drop a thousand miles below the ground. The hope that she built over the last couple days was suddenly shattered. Her and Hope were no longer invincible anymore. She was left speechless and hung up as soon as she could.

 

At the same time, and what bad timing it was, Hope stepped out of the shower. Noticing that Kelley held her phone in her hands, she asked,

 

“Kell, is someone trying to get a hold of me?" 


	6. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No matter how tormenting this got, she still found herself high above the waters...until that one day."

“Jerramy.”

 

Hope felt all the color drain from her face. She moved a step closer, “Kelley…”

 

Kelley was quick to jump back a few steps. She didn’t want Hope anywhere near her, faced the tall goalkeeper with as much strength as she could gather. Tears brimmed her eyes, “How long?”

 

“Look, I can explain…”

 

“Bullshit, Hope. How _long_?!” Kelley repeated with bitterness in her tone. Tears flowed down her face.

 

Hope knew there was no way she was going to get out of this conversation. She sighed and replied honestly, “We started talking a week after I came home from London.”

 

“A _week_?! After everything that we had together? Did that not mean anything to you because I swear it did.” Kelley said in disbelief.

 

“Kell, this doesn’t mean that I forgot about our time together in London. In fact, it haunts me every day. I…I just…we can’t…” Hope found herself at a loss for words.

 

“We can’t what?” Kelley stared at Hope before asking, “Is it real?”

 

“Well, yeah…we’ve been seeing each other ever since.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me there was someone else?!”

 

“He was never in the picture during the Olympics, I swear. We’ve known each other since our time at UW…we had a little fling back then, but we agreed we were too young. Now…now it just feels…right.” Hope ended with a lack for a better word.

 

“It feels _right_?! You have got to be shitting me right now.” Kelley abruptly brushed tears from her face. “The fact that you even had the guts to lead me on since the beginning of this victory tour…I…I can’t believe it. And now you’re telling me that it feels _right_ with this Jerramy guy?!”

 

“I’ve known him longer than I’ve even known you.” Hope spoke the hard truth.

 

Kelley shook her head, “No, don’t pull that one on me, Hope. I call bullshit again. You can’t tell me that what we had in London wasn’t real. We’re made for each other. You know it. You _felt_ it. So what the hell makes me different from Jerramy, huh?”

 

“Kell…”

 

“No, answer me. What makes him different? You told me you don’t do happy endings and that’s the reason why we had to break things off after the Olympics. Then, you walk around here the past few weeks acting like nothing happened and that everything was peachy perfect between us. And now, I get the pure joy of finding out that you’re dating someone back home…so please tell me what the fuck is going on!” Kelley was now more angry than hurt.

 

Hope took a deep breath before replying, “It’s complicated between you and I…when we’re together, I can’t even think. I can’t even breathe sometimes. I’m happy, I’m terrified, I’m lost, I’m found, I’m everything in between all of those emotions. Kelley, you make me feel things I’ve never felt before in my life…I love it and I hate it at the same time.” Hope paused, making sure that Kelley was following her train of thought. “But with Jerramy…things are simple. We’re together and it’s just…easy. I can’t really explain it further than that.”

 

Kelley was extremely hurt and continued to cry, “I…I….so…what you’re saying is that you’re taking the easy way out? That I’m not worth fighting for?”

 

Hope closed her eyes, feeling guiltier than she ever had in her life. Surprisingly, Kelley allowed her to move closer and soon, Hope had her arms wrapped around the shorter woman. “You’re worth fighting for, Kell…but I’m not the one who can do that for you.”

 

Kelley cried into the keeper’s chest. She knew this was over. She let Hope kiss her head lightly before pulling away. Her eyes glistened with tears as they narrowed in on Hope. She softly whispered, 

 

“What are we doing?”

 

“I…I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that ever since I met you.”

 

“I…I can’t do this anymore, Hope. I’m breaking right in front of you.” Kelley removed herself from the keeper’s arms.

 

"Please, can't we just go back to how things were before all this? We were great friends.”

 

“No…Hope, I…I can’t do that. Can’t you see that I’m _all in_? If you pull me aside and kiss me, I wouldn’t object. If you told me to go jump off a bridge, I would. You control me…and lately I feel like you’ve been abusing that. You’ve been leading me on this whole time. So if this is going to get any better, you can’t call all the shots. I have to make some decision too…and as much as it kills me to say this…I’m done.”

 

Hope felt her heart sink. She never wanted things to end this abruptly. She was still trying to figure out her feelings too. But she knew Kelley was right. She couldn’t drag this out any longer. “I’m too toxic for you, aren’t I?”

 

Kelley felt another round of tears arise, so she quickly grabbed her things and bolted out of the room. She couldn’t believe it, but never in a million years did she think that she’d be the one to truly break things up between her and Hope, the woman who owned her heart.

 

-

 

The distance between them helped the most.

 

Two months later and the national team had parted their ways for a well-deserved break. The two had not made contact with each other and kept quiet on social media. While it was assumed that Hope had Jerramy as a shoulder to cry on, Kelley was alone.

 

She was having a hard time.

 

She really had thought that they were going to be okay. The way Hope treated her during the beginning of the victory tour made her feel special, but that changed in the blink of an eye. Hope destroyed her and she was completely blindsided.

 

What killed Kelley the most was that she was still head over heels, or cleats, for the goalkeeper. She never left her mind, and sadly, all that was left of them were memories.

 

Memories of their time together in London.

 

The time that they hit it off when they were first assigned as roommates, when Kelley first felt a spark between them.

 

And the moment of their first kiss, when Kelley never felt more alive in her life.

 

And the sheer joy Kelley felt when Hope had fallen on top of her while out practicing on the field in the rain.

 

Or that time Hope pulled Kelley aside, one hand in Kelley’s and the other gripping her hotel room key.

With time, everything seemed to get better. Kelley just had to take it easy, day by day. She was a strong girl, and although this was the first time her heart had been truly broken, she knew she’d come out of this a better person. No matter how tormenting this got, she still found herself high above the waters.

Until that one day.

The day that her world came crumbling around her. The day that she could no longer swim and keep her head above the waters. The day she started to drown.

She had walked across the street to the mailbox to get her mail. She threw it on the kitchen counter, saving it for later, but a gold envelope caught her attention. She recognized the handwriting and felt her heart begin to race.

Kelley picked up the gold, and way too shiny, envelope and slowly opened it. Even before getting inside the envelope, Kelley knew that what the envelope contained was going to send her into a hole so big that she wouldn’t be able to climb out of. She didn’t have to read more than the three huge words at the top of the card to realize the situation at hand.

“Save The Date”

In her hand was a wedding invitation.

_Hope Solo’s fucking wedding invitation._


	7. For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “How could you do that to the kid?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the feedback on this story! It's painful to write just as much as it is to read it...I don't know why I do this to the O'Solo fandom. Haha...well, enjoy the next chapter!

Kelley found herself driving at a speed of 70 mph on the highway. Her blood was boiling and anger arose within her. She needed to talk to someone. And that someone happened to live just twenty minutes away.

 

Kelley abruptly parked the car and ran up to the townhouse, not caring that it was 10 pm at night. She saw lights flicker on inside and the door slowly opened.

 

“Kelley? What are you doing here?”

 

Kelley fumbled inside the pocket of her sweatshirt and pulled out the gold envelope that made her heart stop beating. She waved it in front of her teammate, “You knewabout this, huh?! You _knew_?!”

 

Carli took a step back, slightly frightened by Kelley’s grand gestures. She was confused, “Kell, slow down. What are you talking about?

 

“This invitation! You got one too, didn’t you?!”

 

“Invitation? Invitation to what?....Oh.” Carli suddenly realized what brought Kelley to her house that night. “No, I…I…didn’t. Well I haven’t gotten an invitation yet, but yeah…I knew.”

 

“See?! You knew! Am I the last one to find out?!”

 

“Kell, I didn’t know about this though…I didn’t know she was going to invite you, I swear.” Carli said honestly.

 

Kelley felt her hands grip the invitation tighter and she fought hard to keep tears back. She stuttered, “C..Carli…what kind of _sick_ human being thought it would be okay for me to find out this way? Through a goddamn invitation? Who does that?! H..how…does she even have the guts to..to…”

 

Carli pulled her younger teammate in for a hug. Kelley was just a kid, and she hated seeing the once so smiley goofball breakdown into a puddle of tears. She whispered, “I’m so sorry, Kelley.”

 

“This hurts.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Carli repeated gently.

 

“I…I still care about her. She…she means everything to me.” Kelley mumbled.

 

“I know.”

 

“And then tomorrow, we’re all going to be in New York…and I just…I can’t.”

 

“I know.”

 

Carli didn’t know how to comfort Kelley. She tried responding with thought but all that came out were two worded answers. She invited Kelley into the house for a little while before sending her on her way to get some sleep for the night. After Kelley left, Carli suddenly felt her emotions run high. She was _mad_. She couldn’t believe that her best friend would stoop so low. Both fortunately and unfortunately, the entire team would be together in New York the next day for some promotional shoots and interviews. This weekend was going to be hard on Kelley, but at the same time, this weekend gave Carli the chance to knock some sense into her best friend.

 

-

 

Carli and Kelley were among the few who arrived at the team hotel in downtown New York City. Kelley did her best to act relatively normal around her teammates, but Carli noticed the bags under her eyes from not sleeping and the redness that indicated she had been crying all night. She half smiled and hugged her once again, hoping Kelley knew how much she supported her and was willing to stand up for her. Luckily, they had been paired as roommates, so Carli would be able to keep an eye out for her over the next few days.

 

Kelley didn’t leave their room all day. Carli just let her be and they sat in silence. There was a knock on the door later that evening and without thinking, Carli opened it.

 

“Carli! Finally! I was looking for you at dinner, but…”

 

Carli’s eyes widened as she slammed the door in her teammates face. Kelley had perked up at the sound of the familiar voice. _Her_ voice.

 

Kelley felt her body tense and her walls of defense go up. Just hearing her voice sent her over the edge and no matter how hard she tried to fight them, the tears fell. “C…Carli…she can’t be…”

 

There was loud knocking at their door once again. “Carli??? Hello? Open up!”

 

Carli swore under her breath. “Kell, I’m so sorry…I didn’t know she was coming up here. Hey, just don’t worry about it. I’ll deal with her.”

 

Carli quickly grabbed her phone and key, and swiftly closed the door behind her and bumping directly into Hope.

 

“In a rush?! Jeez, why did you do that for?!” Hope asked in confusion.

 

“Shhh! Follow me.” Carli grabbed Hope’s hand and dragged her downstairs into the lobby. She was on her way outside when she noticed a brunette checking and changed her direction.

 

Pulling Hope with her, Carli exclaimed, “Alex!”

 

Alex’s head whipped around and she smiled, “Oh hey! What’s up, you two?”

 

Hope shrugged, “Not quite sure, really. Carli, here, has been dragging me around like a doll. I don’t know where we’re going- I just went up to her room and-”

 

Carli cut her off, “Shut up, Hope. Alex, are you doing anything important right now?”

 

“Uhm…no? I was just going to head to my room.”

 

“Can you do me a favor? Can you just go to my room? Third floor, #314.”

 

“Uhhh…sure? Wait, why?”

 

“Please. Just knock on the door.”

 

“Hope’s right. Carli, you’re acting real strange right now.” Alex smirked.

 

Carli rolled her eyes, “Just go to my room as soon as you can, okay? And _you…_ ” She tugged on Hope “You, you’re coming with me.”

 

Carli forced Hope outside the main doors until they were standing right outside the hotel. Hope was annoyed, “Are you ever going to tell me what’s going on? Also, it’s a little cold out. Whatever you need to do out here, let’s make it quick. I don’t understand why we couldn’t just stay in the hotel, or in your room.”

 

Carli put up her hands in exasperation, “Kelley is my roommate, that’s why!”

 

“And? I know we haven’t talked for awhile, but it’s not like we can’t be mature and be in the same room with each other.”

 

Carli squinted her eyes, “ _Seriously_ , Hope?!”

 

“What did I do now?!”

 

“YOU INVITED HER!” Carli screamed at her best friend.

 

Hope made up an excuse, “I…I invited her as a friend.”

 

Carli shook her head, “You don’t invite your ex, Hope.”

 

“Ex? We never even had a relationship.”

 

“Uh, pretty sure you did… _you_ just didn’t acknowledge it.”

 

Hope looked down and crossed her arms. She couldn’t feel her face due to the biting cold, but she didn’t care. She knew she had made a mistake by inviting Kelley. Wanting her there at the wedding was so selfish of her, but she needed her to be there.

 

Carli softly broke the silence, “How could you do that to the kid?”

 

“I told you this wasn’t going to end well.”

 

“Y…you can’t keep doing this to Kelley. She’s going to come to your wedding. No matter how much it hurts her or even kills her, she’s going to watch you give everything to another person. You know that. You know that she’d do anything for you, Hope…and I just can’t believe you’re taking advantage of that for whatever reason.” Carli replied honestly.

 

“Fuck. I don’t know what I’m doing.” Hope put her head in her hands.

 

Carli sighed, “Hope, you’re my best friend. I know you have good judgement. But this…you crossed a line with this. I love that kid like a sister, you know…I’m not going to let you hurt her anymore. So please, just figure your shit out and let her go. She doesn’t deserve this.”

 

Carli knew what she said was harsh, but it was Hope- she could take it. She rushed back into the hotel, leaving her best friend out in the cold.

 

Meanwhile, Alex had followed Carli’s orders and ended up knocking on room 314.

 

“Hello? Anyone there?” Alex knocked harder.

 

“Carli, please! Can you just give me some space just a little while longer?”

 

“Kell?” Concerned filled Alex’s voice as she realized that Kelley was holding back sobs. She put her ear to the door, “Kelley? It’s Alex…what’s going on?”

 

Footsteps approached the door. Kelley slowly opened the door, a complete mess. Strands of hair were falling out of her ponytail and she was in a large Stanford hoodie that she appeared to have on for the last day or so. Alex was completely shocked at the sight of her best friend.

 

“Oh my god, Kelley. What happened?” Alex closed the door and put an arm around her friend.

 

Kelley covered her face with her hands as she choked out, “Sh…she’s getting married.”

 

“What?”

 

“Hope. Hope is getting married...and she invited me.”

 

Alex’s blood began to boil. She couldn’t believe what Hope had done. What was she thinking? Alex tried to get up, but Kelley held her back down. “Kell, you don’t deserve this.”

 

“No…stop…sit down. She’s not worth it. I…I’ll be okay.”

 

“She can’t keep walking over you like this! Kelley, she does not control you, okay?” Alex begged Kelley to come to that realization.

 

“I can’t help it…”

 

“Oh my god, please don’t tell me you’re thinking about going.”

 

Kelley looked up at her like a love sick puppy, and once she did so, Alex knew she had already made up her mind.

 

Kelley explained, “I…I need to go. I need to see this happen for myself.”

 

“Hope is dangerous. She’s actually an incredible person and has a lot of potential, but it’s in her genes that she tends to screw things up before they get any better…or sometimes, things don’t get better. Tobin and I warned you about this, remember?! Going to this wedding is going to put you in a place that I don’t think you’re prepared for it. I don’t think you get it, Kell.”

 

“No, Alex, I don’t think _you_ get it.” Kelley defended herself. “I don’t think you know what it’s like to fall so hard for a person that you’d go to the ends of the earth for them…even if it meant destroying your own self.”

 

“I’m not following your logic.”

 

“You don’t have to. I already made up my mind…I’m going. I…I have to…if I witness this for myself, then maybe it’ll be easier for me to let go, knowing she’s not mine anymore.”

 

“She hasn’t been yours ever since she chose Jerramy!” Alex exclaimed.

 

Kelley winced at his name, but shrugged, “Final decision, Al.”

 

-

 

The day of the wedding finally arrived.

 

It was a pretty small venue, which made sense knowing how important privacy was to Hope. Alex, who wasn’t able to make the wedding, had asked Carli to look out for Kelley, and she quickly obliged. Carli found Kelley at the back of the church, a blank stare plastered on her face.

 

Kelley jumped at the touch of Carli’s hand on her shoulder. Carli spoke quietly, “Kelley, if this is too much for you, you have every right to leave.”

 

“I…I’ll be okay.” Kelley took a big gulp, fiddling with her clutch.

 

“Just let me know if there’s anything I can do okay?”

 

Kelley nodded, and the pair took their seats with some other members of the team. After what seemed like forever, music began to play and everyone stood up. Hope, a vision of white, stood at the entrance of the grand doors. Everyone was in complete awe and gasps were heard throughout the room. Everyone was truly happy for Hope.

 

Except for Kelley.

 

She both despised and loved the goalkeeper. She followed Hope down the entire aisle, hoping that her stare would burn through her. Hope’s hair flowed perfectly below her shoulder and she walked with a confidence that made Kelley’s stomach do a 180 flip.

 

The music stopped as everyone took their places.

 

This was the loudest part of the ceremony, but to Kelley, the room had become silent. She felt herself become light headed and it suddenly became harder to breathe. She realized that she wouldn’t make it through the reception, and she felt herself tugging at Carli, telling her that she needed to leave.

 

That she needed to escape.

 

Kelley quietly rushed out of the back door and as she stood in the cold waiting for a cab, she thought back on the ceremony and realized she couldn’t get a certain moment out of her mind. The moment she saw Hope. But more importantly, she couldn’t get rid of a sound ringing in her ears.  

 

The sound of her heart dropping on the floor, shattering into a million little pieces.


	8. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "No one had ever shown her grace like this. She stared straight at the freckled face before her and wondered why she was so stupid to give her up the way she did."

Three years later.

 

Three years later and Kelley was slowly, but surely on the mend. She used the time to pick herself back up, focus on her NWSL team Sky Blue, and even find joy in something other than soccer- surfing. Along the way she made new friends, particularly getting along with her roommates from Australia, but of course she still held a special place in her heart for her national teammates.

 

Kelley was actually quite surprised by how happy she had been lately. No more crying herself to sleep every night. No more beating up herself for thinking that she was the one who had messed things up.

 

No more interaction with _her_.

 

Kelley truly believed that not being around Hope 24/7, as the previous World Cup and Olympics forced them to be, was the main reason why she had been able to take the right step in the direction of moving forward. While she had made progress, she was nowhere near 100% over Hope. Memories of their time together haunted Kelley, and most of the time, the tall goalkeeper was on the back burner of her mind. The toughest times had been getting called up to national team camps over their so called “off years.” There wasn’t much they could do about being on the team together, but Kelley was surprised by how well they minimized contact. Nothing more than soccer related talk or a few hellos and goodbyes.

 

But as the New Year began, Kelley new she had a new problem to deal with.

 

It was 2015.

 

And they were going to the World Cup.

 

Practices for the World Cup would only begin a full two years of buzz around the national team, a full two years of seeing Hope more than she would see her family. What made things worse was that Hope had recently been in the media- something about her husband being arrested for a DUI, and most recently, something about a domestic violence case. Consequently, Hope was suspended. Kelley didn’t know details, nor did she really want to, but she believed that Hope wouldn’t have gotten herself into a mess unless it was for a very good reason. She also believed that Hope cared too much about soccer that she wouldn’t let all her years of hard work go to waste.

 

Now, it was a matter of everyone else accepting her back. For the most part, the team was supportive, but that didn’t mean doubtful comments were made here and there.

 

But Kelley still cared.

 

That was the type of person she was. She was too forgiving, a flaw in many people’s eyes. She had every right to hate Hope with every last ounce of her being, and yet she wanted Hope to know that she had her back. That she still cared.

 

Hope’s first practice back didn’t go as bad as everyone had expected. She had worked with her goalkeeping coach throughout her suspension to make sure she was more than ready for the big tournament that summer. She worked hard. Emotionally, she looked better than what the media had proclaimed her behavior to be lately, but Kelley knew she was a tad more distant. Usually, she had no problem directing her backline or putting her two cents into any conversation that the team was having. But today, she remained quiet, as if she were a small child, afraid to approach anyone.

 

After practice, Kelley knew that she should just head straight back to their hotel. But she also knew that her heart triumphed her mind, and she found herself making eye contact with the keeper. She walked over.

 

“Hey, do you have a minute?”

 

Hope was put off by Kelley approaching her. She hadn’t done that in years. “Uhm, yeah. Of course.”

 

Kelley motioned towards a bench on the sideline and the pair sat down next to each other. Kelley uncomfortably shifted herself a few inches away from Hope, afraid that even the touch of their knees would send her spiraling back into the hole she had so desperately worked to climb out of.

 

Kelley started off easy, “How have you been?”

 

“Fine.”

 

By the look of Kelley’s face, Hope knew that she wasn’t taking the time to sit down with her for anymore bullshit. Hope silently scolded herself- if she was going to turn over a new leaf, she had to be better at opening up to people. Plus, this was Kelley- it was supposed to be natural between them.  

 

Hope expanded on her feelings, “If you asked me six months ago, I would’ve told you that I was at the lowest point of my life. But the way I see it, it can only go up from here. I think I’ve put myself in the right direction. I think I can be happy again.”

 

Kelley gulped at her words. Was Hope’s downhill behavior because of what happened between them? She’d like to think so- she’d like to think that she wasn’t the only one suffering. But yet again, it was Hope Solo. She was a magnet for bad things.

 

Kelley just nodded, “That’s good…that’s good.”

 

“Kell, I…”

 

Kelley was quick to cut her off. If she was going to do this, she had to be the one in full control of the conversation. “No, don’t…I don’t want to go there. Hope, I just wanted to pull you aside and let you know that I’m behind you. You’re going to be more than okay throughout the tournament. The team has your back and they support you- I support you.”

 

“You don’t have to play the good guy, Kell.”

 

“No, I mean it, I swear. Ever since…” Kelley’s voice trailed off, not wanting to address this any further, but felt like she needed to, “Ever since you made your final decision about us, I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on who I am as a person. No…no matter how hard it is for me to say this, I…I still value you as a human being.”

 

Kelley didn’t feel like using the word “friend”- that implied way more than she bargained for. She continued, “I know our past is complicated, but there’s nothing I can do about that anymore. I’m working to move on…I’ve realized that I’m not the one who gets to love you, but I do care about you, Hope. I really do.”

 

Hope couldn’t believe the words coming out of Kelley’s mouth. No one had ever shown her grace like this. She stared straight at the freckled face before her and wondered why she was so stupid to give her up the way she did. But of course, a certain thought filled Hope’s mind, haunting her once again.

 

She didn’t deserve Kelley.

 

Hope grimaced at her thought, but weakly smiled at Kelley and simply replied, “Thanks, Kelley. That really means a lot to me.”

 

Hope had no control over what happened next. She embraced the young defender, pulling her close so that they could feel each other’s heart beat against their chests. Kelley wasn’t prepared and felt herself becoming undone. She basked in the secure embrace for just a couple seconds longer before she pulled away.

 

Kelley chuckled, “Hey, I’m not finished yet.” Hope raised her eyebrow as Kelley continued, “With all that being said, I talked to Jill the other day.”

 

“Jill?”

 

“Yeah…I asked that when she starts thinking about lineups, she should not put me as a starting player for the backline during this tournament.” Kelley admitted.

 

“What?! Kell, no…no, I’m not…I can’t let you do that. You’re giving up playing time over something completely ridiculous. We’re good at separating what happened between us and the field.” Hope begged her to change her mind.

 

“This isn’t completely ridiculous…at least not to me. I don’t know about you, but what happened between us took a huge toll on me. I really don’t even know how I’m standing today…but I think that’s because we physically haven’t been around each other for a long period of time. Knowing that is bound to happen though this summer, I felt like I needed to make this decision for myself.” Kelley explained.

 

“No, I’m not letting you go through with this.”

 

“Well, I can’t go through this tournament unless this happens. I need to do this for me, Hope.”

 

“Have you thought about the team? We need you.” Hope tried approaching the argument from a different angle.

 

“The depth of this team is incredible. You know that as well as I do. The backline will be strong- with or without me. Look, I’m going to be a super sub…I’ll do whatever I can to help this team get the gold this year. I just may not be a starter all the time.”

 

Hope looked down and shook her head, knowing Kelley was dead set on her decision. She couldn’t bear to look at the defender sitting beside her. She was the reason for all the pain Kelley endured these last years.

 

She was the reason for all her scars.


	9. First and Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I feel like I’m drowning because I know she isn’t mine. But she does as much as look over at me and give me the faintest smile, and I feel like coming up for fresh air. She treats me like shit and I should hate her. But I don’t. I need her. I can’t breathe without her."

Kelley scored her first international goal.

 

She scored her first international goal in the World Cup, a semi-final against Germany to be exact. As soon as her ball found the back of the net, Kelley smiled the largest grin in the world and jumped on top of Carli in celebration.

 

Carli was so proud of Kelley. She knew how hard she worked, not to mention the hell she had been put through over the last few years.

 

She squeezed Kelley tight and said, “I’m proud of you, kid.”

 

Kelley just hugged Carli tighter, as if she was thanking her for more than just being a teammate, but rather a friend that she never knew she needed. As the pile of teammates surrounding her subsided, Kelley turned to the goal downfield. She flashed her biggest smile in the world.

 

Hope couldn’t help but smile in return.

 

She also couldn’t help but fall back in love.

 

Hope was suddenly caught off guard by her feelings. She had worked so hard pushing them away so that she could share a simple connection with Jerramy, but now they had come back so fast that she had to physically restrain herself from running downfield to embrace the defender. She was attracted to Kelley more than ever.

 

After the game, fittingly so, everyone ran to Kelley. After the excitement died down, Hope walked over.

 

“I told you this team needed you.”

 

Kelley shrugged and sounding cold, she replied, “Thanks, Solo.” She bounced off in her usual manner, not wanting anything more to come out of their interaction.

 

For the first time in awhile, Hope felt what it was like to feel crushed. Sure, breaking things off with Kelley had also taken a toll on her, but she had Jerramy as a distraction. But lately, she’d been alone enough to reflect on her own thoughts, and she had realized how much Kelley meant to her. The connection they had was never supposed to happen, and because it did, it was that much harder to forget about.

 

Hope could only imagine “What if?”

 

What if Kelley scored a goal in London? Would she have run more than halfway down the field to celebrate with her?

 

What if Hope could get over her insecurities and accept Kelley back into her life?                             

 

-

 

They won the World Cup.

 

For the first time in over ten years, they were world champions.

 

Kelley was incredibly happy, and almost felt like she was invincible, that she could do anything. It had been so hard the whole tournament finding ways to avoid Hope, but now she thought that a moment or two with the keeper wouldn’t hurt. Amidst all the commotion, Kelley searched for Hope. She was quickly coming undone, and hated herself for reverting back to a love sick puppy. Let’s face it- no matter how hard she tried, there would always be a part of her reserved for Hope Solo.

 

But they had just won the World Cup. Anything could happened.

 

Kelley finally spot the tall woman in her red jersey and headed her direction before stopping dead in her tracks. Hope had scanned the crowds for Jerramy and once finding him, she jumped up into his arms for a congratulatory kiss.

 

Kelley bit her lip as she started to tremble with tears. Hey, at least if she did cry, people would pass it off as happy tears. She turned away and occupied herself with a few of her teammates, making gold confetti angels down the field.

 

Hope hopped back down after kissing Jerramy.

 

Nothing.

 

She felt absolutely nothing. No spark, no joy, no love.

 

Nothing.

 

And yet she hoped that kiss would be the center of attention on social media. She hoped it would cover up the state of inner turmoil within.

 

This tournament would be the most important one that she played in. Through this tournament, she had helped the U.S Women’s National Team earn their so deserved third star.

 

But most importantly, this tournament brought back every single feeling she had ever felt for Kelley.

 

She had been Hope’s first and Hope wanted more than anything for Kelley to be her last.

 

-

 

The after party was all too familiar to Kelley. It reminded her too much of the Olympic after party three years ago. She turned in for the night quicker than anyone had expected, knowing herself and her limitations way too well. If she didn’t get out of that room, she’d be all over Hope in an instant and everything she worked for would have gone to waste.

 

Worried about her friend and her odd behavior, Alex followed Kelley back to her room. She waited patiently as the defender took a shower. When Kelley stepped out of the bathroom, it was clear that she had been crying.

 

Alex’s shoulders dropped in disappointment. She hated seeing Kelley like this. Kelley burst into tears once again and cried, “Why can’t we just be friends again? Why does everything have to be so damn complicated between us? E…every time I see her, I feel like I’m drowning because I know she isn’t mine. But she does as much as look over at me and give me the faintest smile, and I feel like coming up for fresh air. She treats me like shit and I should hate her. But I don’t. I need her. I can’t breathe without her.”

 

Alex hugged Kelley tightly and whispered, “Shhh…it’s over. You don’t have to see her for a while after this.”

 

And for the second time, Kelley found herself crying with a gold medal around her neck.

 


	10. Tick and Tock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But during the first half of their friendly against Australia, something happened that would change the two teammate’s lives forever (to put it dramatically). "

The victory tour began, only prolonging the cycle of Hope and Kelley being around each other more than either of them wanted to be. Of course this situation wasn’t ideal, but they managed.

 

But during the first half of their friendly against Australia, something happened that would change the two teammate’s lives forever (to put it dramatically).

 

Hope followed the Australian player as she made her way through their defense. She jumped up, managing to stop the ball from finding the back of the net, but not being able to grasp and hold onto it as she had hoped to do. Hope watched as the ball bounced to the side, still very much within means of the box. She watched as another Australian player rushed towards the ball.

 

But Kelley was there.

 

Unfortunately.

 

In attempts to defend the goal, Kelley tried to kick the ball out of bounds. By doing so, she collided violently with her opponent, sending her flying a few feet back and resulting in her hitting her head on one of the goal posts.

 

Hope had seen the whole thing. She rushed over to Kelley who was holding her head and writhing on the field in obvious pain. Hope put her hand up, signaling for their medical team to come forward.

 

Everything was a blur to Kelley. She tried opening her eyes, but all she could see was Hope hovering over her, so she quickly shut them again. Her head pounded and by the way she felt, she knew that her brain had shifted. She knew that this was injury was going to have severe consequences.

 

But she couldn’t look weak.

 

Not in front of Hope.

 

Although the pain in her head remained, she quickly brushed off the team trainers who were trying to find symptoms of a concussion and repeatedly said, “I’m fine. I feel fine.”

 

But she wasn’t fine.  

 

Something wasn’t right.

 

By the time the second half had begun, Kelley felt her head spinning. She had never felt so much pain in her life, but she also just wanted to finish the game. She would seek medical help after the match.

 

But she never made it to the end of the match.

 

Kelley pushed herself to run after the ball, but stopped running as she approached midfield. Out of the corner of her eye, Abby noticed Kelley abruptly stop and put her hands on her knees. With the amount of experience behind her, Abby knew this was abnormal. She had seen so many of her teammates play and knew when each of them were in a serious amount of pain. For Kelley to stop running, something was wrong.

 

Abby quickly changed her running path and ended up running towards her injured teammate. “Kell?”

 

Kelley felt herself slowly losing conscious, but she forced herself to remain alert. “Ab…Abby…something’s wrong.”

 

“Kelley, I’m right here. Talk to me. Tell me what’s happening.” Abby put her hand on the younger woman’s shoulder.

 

Meanwhile, Hope was focusing so much on the game at hand that she failed to recognize the commotion going on at midfield. Her senses were suddenly jolted as she heard the referee blow his whistle. Along with everyone else. Hope was confused. They had been playing fairly. She scanned the field, her eyes landing around midfield, just in time to see two blue jerseys- one catching the other as she lost conscious.

 

Hope’s heart leapt out of her chest.

 

Because one of the blue jerseys belonged to Kelley.

 

Hope murmured to herself as she trembled, “C’mon, Kelley…get up. Get up…” She then noticed Abby frantically yelling towards the sideline.

 

Abby yelled at the first person in her line of sight, “Alex! Alex! Oh my god, Kelley? Alex!”

 

Alex jumped off the bench and sprinted towards Kelley, ushering for the medical trainers to join her once again on the field. Alex knelt down beside her teammate and best friend, “Kelley? Can you hear me?”

 

Abby noticed Kelley’s eyes begin to flicker and roll to the back of her head. She started convulsing.

 

“ _Shit._ Kelley!”

 

The medical staff was now at their side, doing everything they could to stop Kelley from violently shaking. Alex felt like she was in some terrible dream. She couldn’t watch this anymore, and out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Hope slowly jogging towards them. She turned to her teammate.

 

“Abby…” Alex caught her attention and motioned downfield. She simply stated, “Hope.”

 

From the look in Alex’s eyes, Abby instantly knew what she meant and ran off. She intercepted a worried and restless Hope. She tried consoling the goalkeeper as she continuously cried out Kelley’s name.

 

“Hope, calm down.”

 

“Kelley! _Kelley_!” Hope tried to break out of Abby’s arms.

 

“You need to calm down, Hope.”

 

Carli noticed Abby struggling and quickly ran over. She held a firm grip on Hope as well.

 

“No! Let me go!”

 

“Hope, stop it! Kelley will…”

 

Hope glared at Carli and gritted through her teeth, “Don’t you dare tell me she’s going to be okay. It doesn’t work that way with me or the people I care about.” Hope felt herself loosen up as she realized Kelley’s seizure appeared to have stopped and that she was now being rushed off the field, and presumably to an ambulance.

 

“I…I need to go with her. Kelley!” Hope shouted.

 

Abby looked Hope straight in the eye. “Hope. Look at me. They’re going to take care of her. We need to finish the game. You need to focus, okay? I know that seems impossible right now, but you have to. You have to give it all you’ve got. Just ten more minutes, alright?”

 

“But, but…Abby…”

 

“I know. We all want to be with Kelley right now, and we will be- in ten minutes. Alex will make sure she’s okay.”

 

Hope felt Abby loosen her grip on her, and although she wanted to sprint forward, she slowly backed up towards her goal. The whistle blew again for the game to resume. Hope silently thanked God they were up by two and continued to hold possession. As long as they kept it that way, they would secure the win and Hope wouldn’t have to focus too hard on making any last minute saves. She was physically there, but her mind was with Kelley.

 

This would be the longest final ten minutes of a match in her entire life.


	11. Let Me Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For crying out loud, will you just let me go?!"

The final whistle blew.

 

And Hope sprinted.

 

Noticing that Hope was heading straight for the exit of the field, Carli ran up to Abby. “Can you gather mine and Hope’s stuff for us? I’m going to chase after her.”

 

Abby nodded in agreement, “Yeah, of course.”

 

Carli ran after Hope, catching up to her right before she got into her car. Carli didn’t say anything. She knew that her presence was enough for Hope and just held on for dear life as Hope drove recklessly to the nearest hospital.

 

Hope, with Carli on her toes, rushed into Kelley’s hospital room, finding Kelley awake with Alex by her side. She let out a sigh of relief and felt herself properly breathe for the first time over the last hour.

 

“Oh, thank God.”

 

Kelley sighed, not too pleased at the fact that Hope was currently in front of her. “I’m fine, really.”

 

“Kell, you had a seizure. I don’t think that constitutes as _fine_.” Hope countered.

 

Feeling the tension, Carli intervened, “What did the doctors say? Do you have a concussion?”

 

“Not a concussion…they think my brain shifted slightly causing a change in electrical activity, thus causing the seizure. They want to keep me here over night to run tests, but it shouldn’t happen again….see? I’m fine.” Kelley explained.

 

Everyone remained silent and the awkwardness in the room became more evident. Carli busied herself by seeming to read the doctor’s notes on the small whiteboard on the wall, Alex picked up her phone, and Hope just stood with her arms crossed and jaw clenched- as she often does. She stared at the floor, clearly not pleased at the lack of concern Kelley was expressing over this whole hospital visit.

 

Kelley broke the silence and fidgeted, “Hope…really, what are you doing? You don’t need to be here.”

 

“What? And Alex and Carli can?” Hope was offended.

 

“That’s not where I’m going with this…”

 

“Then what?”

 

“For crying out loud, will you just _let me go_?!” Kelley exclaimed as a matter of fact.

 

Alex looked at Carli and stood up, “Uhm…I think Carli and I are going to head out and give you guys some space…Kell, I’ll stop by later tonight. Just text or call if you need anything.” The two teammates left the room.

 

Hope moved closer to the foot of the hospital bed, and still standing, she softly said, “Kelley, please talk to me.”

 

“What is there to talk about?”

 

“You’re hurt! You were in pain…I watched you. Kelley, my heart was pounding as I watched you just lay there. I…I was terrified.” Hope admitted.

 

“Okay…as was everyone else, I’m sure.” Kelley responded bitterly. She didn’t need to hear this from Hope.

 

“Please, if there’s anything I can do…”

 

“I don’t need your help, Hope! I don’t need you to take care of me.”

 

Hope interjected, “Yes you do! I’m supposed to be here to…”

 

“No you’re not!” Kelley yelled. She was surprised by her sudden raise of voice, but she went along with it. She harshly, but truthfully continued, “Taking care of me is not your job anymore. You don’t get to do that for me…you made that clear to me during the World Cup.”

 

“I know the consequences of my decisions. I’m not stupid, you know…I still care about you, okay? Just like you said you cared about me after the whole suspension ordeal.”

 

Kelley shook her head, “That was different. Yes, I care about you…but I wasn’t lingering at your side, waiting on you.”

 

“I still care.” Hope simply replied.

 

“Jesus, you’re so…you’re so _frustrating_. Can you not make up your mind? Sometimes you act all high and mighty, like you’re so strong that nothing can ever get to you. You couldn’t give a shit about anyone, nevertheless even _care_ about someone. And now you’re standing right in front of me like the most compassionate, God-sent human being to have walked this earth, telling me that you care _._ Who are you?!”

 

Hope realized that Kelley’s thoughts were far more complex than she had ever imagined. She realized how much Kelley has internalized because of her. She apologized, “Look, I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not choosing you, okay? But I can’t…I can’t help that. We’re just not meant to be.”

 

“Stop. I don’t what to hear this again. I don’t need to hear that what we had meant nothing to you.”

 

“It wasn’t just _nothing_! I…”

 

“Well if it wasn’t nothing, we wouldn’t be where we are today, would we, Hope?!” Kelley fired back.

 

“Alright…alright. I don’t want to talk about that anymore either…but I miss when things were normal between us. Why don’t we try to be friends again?” Hope suggested.

 

Kelley couldn’t believe the question that just came out of the taller woman’s mouth. She felt herself get fired up and just about let everything out that she had been bottling in ever since Hope entered the room.

 

“That's not an option for us, don't you get it?! I'm _unconditionally_ in love with you. I hate myself for loving you even when you’ve practically destroyed me. I would do anything for you- hell, I even attending your fucking wedding! So if we were ever to be just friends, it would be absolute torture for me. I would spend every second that we were together desperately trying to keep my hands off of you. Yes, of course agreeing to cutting off as much interaction with you as possible is tormenting me now, I know it’ll pay off in the long run. I’m accepting the fact that I can never expect you to love me the way that I love you, and I’m trying so fucking hard to move on. It's awful and I would never wish this upon anyone in my life no matter how much I hate them. There are days I think that life isn’t worth living, and I cry myself to sleep almost every other night…but I'm getting by. Slowly, but surely.”

 

Kelley’s heart was racing and she was running out of breath, but she knew if she didn’t continue, Hope would put her two cents in.

 

“Maybe…maybe one day we can try to the whole friendship thing again, but right now, I’m not ready for it. I won't be ready for a really long time...not until I move on. I have no idea what that healing process entails, but I know it definitely does not involve _you_ rushing in here with your goddamn blue eyes and acting like everything is back to normal. That it’s okay for you to wait by my side and take care of me as if I was _yours._ Please let me move on, Hope. Just leave, okay? Can you do that for me? Please?" 

 

Hope was speechless. Kelley’s stare burned through her and Hope hated how chaotic and broken she had become. She never wanted it to end this way, and she also hated herself for allowing it to. Hope had listened to everything Kelley had said, and respected her by leaving without another word.

 

As soon as Hope had exited the room, Kelley buried her head into her hands, choking on the sobs that were coming out. Kelley wanted more than anything for Hope to have kept her company. But she stood by her word- if she was going to head down the road of recovery, both physically and emotionally, she couldn’t let that happen.

 

No matter how _fucking_ hard it was going to be.


	12. Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is your second chance."

The victory tour quickly came to an end, without any more problems between a certain two teammates (thank goodness). The next thing on the USWNT agenda was gearing up for the Olympic qualifiers. Most of the team had arrived at camp, but Hope and Pinoe had to settle some things with the Seattle Reign, so they wouldn’t be there for another week.

 

One particular night, Hope was home alone. Jerramy was spending the weekend with some of his buddies on a fishing trip. She had planned on going on her evening run, but with it being winter in Seattle, the temperature had already dropped into the thirties. She chose to stay in with the dogs and cozy up near the fireplace. Soon, she had fallen asleep.

 

But that didn’t last long.

 

Hope was woken up by the sound of her window rattling. Realizing that rocks were being thrown at her window, she slowly walked over to the window and squinted, recognizing her fellow teammate with short, blonde hair. She made her way downstairs and opened the door.

 

“Pinoe? What the hell? It’s 2:40 am.” Hope shivered at a sudden gust of wind.

 

“I know…I know…” Pinoe chattered, all bundled up in a large winter jacket and sweater.

 

“Hold on, come in first. I don’t want you getting hypothermia.” Hope ushered her teammate into her house. “What are you doing here so late?”

 

“I know, I’m sorry. I tried ringing the doorbell, but you wouldn’t wake up. So I ran around the house peering into the windows, and after finally realizing you were in the living room upstairs, I threw the rocks and thank god that worked because I would’ve hated to have broken you window or…”

 

Hope noticed that Pinoe was rambling, something she did only when she was nervous. Immediately knowing that something wasn’t right, she cut her off and questioned, “Megan, what happened?”

 

“It’s Kelley.”

 

Hope had heard that name a thousand times before, but this time was different. Never had she heard Kelley’s name said with such anxiety and concern. Hope blanked.

 

“Hope? Earth to Hope?” Pinoe waved her hands in front of Hope’s blank stare.

 

“Sorry…uh, what do you mean?”

 

“All I know is that she’s been admitted into the hospital again. I’m pretty sure it has something to do with her head injury from a couple months ago.”

 

Hope was in shock. Something wasn’t sitting right with her. Something had changed.

 

Her world had _shifted._

 

And Hope was barely standing on her own two feet. She never expected to feel this way about someone ever in her life. What she felt for Kelley was like a breach in the order of this world- a huge, immense, and negative breach. Kelley was one of those things that should never have happened, but it unchangeably happened anyways…and that’s what had made her world so chaotic.

 

Hope drew her attention back to Pinoe who continued, “"I'm sure Carli or someone explained what’s going on with more detail in the voicemails they left on your phone. They said they've been trying to contact you since 9:00 or so and when they couldn't get ahold of you, they called me to come tell you...and to just be here for you."

 

Hope nodded, still not believing what she was hearing. “Alright…”

 

Pinoe sighed and looked at her with a solemn expression, “I…I think it’s bad, Hope.”

 

Hope quickly turned around and rushed upstairs to find her phone. Once she had the device in her hands, she realized that Pinoe was right. She had four missed calls with voicemails from both Carli and Abby. But what concerned her the most was a missed call and voicemail from Alex. She wouldn’t have called unless it was serious. With trembling hands, she pressed play and brought the phone to her ear.

 

_“Hope? Hey, it’s Alex…we had to bring Kelley into the hospital again tonight. She had another seizure…I don’t want to go into details right now, and I’m sure the others will fill you in, but doctors are discussion some surgical options right now.”_

Hope caught her breath as there was a pause over the phone. Alex’s voice resumed.

 

_“Look, I know you and Kelley aren’t on speaking terms right now, but I thought you should know…you deserve to know. I hope we reach you soon. Talk to you later…bye.”_

Thoughts were flying across her mind, but Hope knew she was certain about one thing. She turned to her teammate who had swiftly followed her upstairs.

 

“Megan, I need to get to Jersey.”

 

Pinoe softly replied, “I had a feeling you would say that…I’m coming with you.”

 

Hope nodded gratefully and within the hour, they were on their way to the airport. As they got into the cab, and before Hope even had the chance to listen to the other voicemails, Pinoe’s phone began to ring. She answered and stayed on the phone for a good five minutes with Hope on the edge of her seat the entire time.

 

As soon as Pinoe hung up, Hope frantically questioned, “Who was that? What’s going on?”

 

“That was Abby…Bad news is that Kelley just had another seizure.” Pinoe paused, noticing that Hope’s face had gone stone cold. “Uhm, Hope? Hey, breathe…please? I don’t want to end up at the hospital rather than the airport…anyways, uh, good news is that Kelley is conscious and talking with the dotors right now about surgery first thing in the morning.”

 

Hope gripped her seat in anxiety and barely got out, “Do you think we’ll make it before her surgery?”

 

“Don’t know…” Pinoe shrugged, and then placed a hand on her teammate’s knee. “I know you hate hearing this, but try not to worry, okay? We’re going to get there. Her parents are on their way and our whole team is with her right now. She’s in good hands.”

 

Hope weakly smiled at Pinoe, and as comforting as that sounded, she still felt butterflies in her stomach.

 

-

 

Hope and Pinoe finally arrived early morning and were led to the private waiting room where their entire team was. As soon as Hope stepped into the room, everyone turned their attention to her and went dead silent. Tobin was the most surprised and jumped out of her seat.

 

Tobin growled, “What are _you_ doing here? Who gave you the right to…”

 

“Calm down, Heath.” Hope responded with confidence, not wanting to deal with her at the moment.

 

Tobin walked over and stood level with the goalkeeper. Getting close to her face, Tobin threatened, “I don’t know what games you’re playing now, Hope, but I know for a fact that you don’t give a _shit_ about Kelley!”

 

Alex, who was on the other side of the room, scolded her best friend, “Tobin! That’s enough!”

 

Tobin shook her head, clearly frustrated by Hope’s presence. “No, Alex. She doesn’t deserve to be here for Kelley. She’s the one who…”

 

Before she could continue, Amy and Lauren pulled her aside. Amy consoled her, “Tobin, let’s go for a walk…”

 

Lauren agreed, “You’re scared, hurt, frustrated…all normal, but don’t let that become anger. You’re only going to make things worse, and you might even say something you regret later on. Come on.” The three good friends left the room.

 

Hope hated being confronted so suddenly, but knew that Tobin was right. She suddenly felt uncomfortable as the rest of the team stared her down. Part of the team shot her glares, believing that she was the reason for Kelley’s tortured and less vibrant behavior lately. Another part of the team sympathized with her, fully believing in Hope and Kelley’s relationship. Then there were the few who just looked completely awkward and confused as to whose side to take.

 

Alex sensed the tension in the room and looking at Hope, she offered, “Let’s talk outside.”

 

Hope agreed and gratefully followed the younger woman out of the waiting room. After walking down the hallway for a bit, she got straight to the point, “What’s going on, Alex?”

 

Alex explained, “We were finishing up practice when Kelley dropped to the field again as another seizure happened. We rushed her in and the doctors of course admitted her and ran more tests. They concluded that her brain was swelling and that they would need to reduce it as quickly as possible or else it could do much more damage. She’s had one more minor seizure since then- I think Abby called Pinoe about that one.”

 

“Yeah, she did…how long’s the surgery?” Hope questioned.

 

“We don’t know. The doctors aren’t giving us a time stamp since it’s a risky surgery and anything could happen.”

 

The pair now took a seat on a bench. Hope sat in silence for a couple minutes, trying to process everything that was going on. After a while she softly asked, "Alex, why are you being so good to me?" 

 

“Huh?” Alex shrugged. “Well, we’re a team…we’re supposed to support each other.”

 

“That’s not what I meant exactly…I would’ve found out about all this from Carli or someone else. But you took the time to call me too. You’re her best friend…shouldn’t you be out cooling off with Tobin?” Hope pointed out.

 

Alex faced the brunette beside her and honestly replied, “Hope, I agree with Tobin on a lot of things…I loathe you just as much as she does, actually. You _broke_ Kelley. She’s not the same anymore, and it’s so difficult watching her go through all this heartache. But at the same time, and in some crazy way, I know that you mean _the world_ to her. Trust me, she’s doing everything she can to move. But as an outsider, I can tell you right off the bat that’s not possible for Kelley…and neither it is for you. You two were made for each other. Even from the short time you were together, or whatever you want to call it, I just knew you guys had something special…so please prove me right, Hope. I don’t know what’s going to come out of all this, but please, don’t screw this up anymore, okay?” 

 

Hope felt tears roll down her face and she quickly brushed them away. She half-smiled and said, “I’ll try my best…thanks for believing in us, Alex. Thanks for everything.” She hugged her younger teammate.

 

Alex nodded, “This is your second chance.” She motioned down the hall, “She’s in the third room on the right…”

 

Hope stood up and began walking before turning around as Alex called her name once more. “Yeah?”

 

“She’s not going to like that you’re here…so be careful, okay? Be gentle.”

 

“Yeah…of course.” Hope nodded before heading down the hall again, nowhere near prepared to face the hazel green eyed girl who was responsible for the disorder in her world.


	13. Let Me Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’m angry at you for just breathing, Hope. You get to stand there and just breathe, not knowing that every breath you take is ripping my heart in half even more."

“Oh, you have got to be  _kidding_ me right now.”

 

Kelley could not believe the sight before her eyes. Hope Solo was physically present at the end of her hospital bed once again. She laid her head back against the headboard in frustration, looking up at the ceiling as if she could communicate with the higher powers and ask them why they were being so cruel to her.

 

“Kelley…” Hope’s voice automatically trailed off, knowing that within a second, Kelley was bound to cut her off. She was right.

 

“How did you even find out?! Let alone get here by now? I was just admitted last night.” Kelley pointed out ridiculously.

 

“The team called…Pinoe and I caught the next available flight.”

 

Kelley shook her head in disbelief, “And once again I must ask you…Hope, seriously, why are you here?”

 

“Same reason as last time. You’re hurt, Kell…and I want to be here to…”

 

Interrupting her for the second time, Kelley boldly stated, “ _Jesus Christ,_ Hope. Did you not listen to a word I said last time we talked? Just _let me go_! I’m begging you to.”

 

“I’m not going to just wait around and live my life while you go in and out of hospitals.”

 

Kelley rolled her eyes, “Ugh! I won’t be going in and out of hospitals. I’m fine.”

 

“That’s what you said last time.”

 

“Stop pretending to act all strong in front of me. I know you’re not feeling well…I can see it in your eyes.” Hope sighed and stated, “I know you.”

 

“Oh cut the crap, Hope!” Kelley almost found herself chuckling. “Don’t act like you know every little thing about me because you don’t.”

 

“Well I can tell when you’re hurt.”

 

“Oh really?”

 

“Yeah, because I’ve hurt you way too many times.” Hope’s words stung. It was the first time that Kelley had been speechless that morning.

 

“What am I going to do about you?” Kelley wondered after a few minutes. “I’m never going to win, am I?”

 

“I’m struggling with everything…with my emotions. You know I’m not good at this. I never have been. I understand why you don’t want me here and I want to respect you…but I can’t let you go quite yet- not knowing that you’re not healthy…that you’re not okay.”

 

Kelley realized she had made a good point. Hope wasn’t begging to have her back…she was going to let her go, but only under such circumstances. Kelley used her go to phrase, “I’m fine.”

 

“Stop saying that. You’re not fine. Just…why won’t you let me stay here for now?”

 

“Why won’t you let me _love_ you?!” Kelley fired back. The all too familiar tears returned.

 

“I told you already! I’m not good…”

 

“Shut up. Shut up. _Shut up_.” Kelley put her hands to her ears, blocking out Hope’s attempt at speaking. She knew she was about to sound like a broken record, but it was Hope- sometimes things needed to be ingrained into her head before she understood. She felt her mouth open to speak.

 

“I love you. I fucking love _YOU_! Just like last time you walked into my hospital room, it’s taking every freaking ounce in me to resist you right now. Don’t you think I want you to stay?! Of course I do! I want you by my side…no, I want you laying right next to me on this bed, holding me close and telling me that everything is going to be okay- even when you don’t believe in that yourself. But for the love of fuck, I can’t put myself through this anymore. I’ve been hurting for a good four years now and now I’m just pissed off!”

 

Hope felt herself start to shake, so frightened by the truth and heartbreak coming out of Kelley at the moment. Yet, she continued to listen.

 

“I’m angry at you for just _breathing_ , Hope. You get to stand there and just breathe, not knowing that every breath you take is ripping my heart in half even more. I told myself not to waste any more time crying over you, but look at me now! I’m a fucking mess again and it’s all thanks to you. _I hate you_.” Kelley was now sobbing.

 

No matter how right Kelley was, Hope knew she couldn’t manage her emotions anymore. She needed to say a few words too, but ended up lashing out.

 

“God damn it, Kelley! I’m figuring out my shit, okay? Can’t you give me a second chance to do that? I’m not going to lose you completely.”

 

“A second chance? Really?” Kelley laughed mockingly. “You’re on like your one hundredth chance! Who the hell do you think you are? Are you ready to admit that we belong together? If so, then that’s fucking fantastic! Go ahead and beg me back when I’m working my ass off trying to forget about everything we’ve had together!”

 

“We all make mistakes!”

 

“Oh don’t pull that card on me.”

 

“Fine! I broke you! Happy now? At least I can admit that!” Hope glared, “You know what? You’re just as cold as me now. Welcome to rock bottom! I don’t know where the old Kelley went…she would’ve shown me some grace right now.”

 

Kelley bitterly replied, “I’m the same Kelley…I just grew up and realized that people taking advantage of me is sick and wrong and disgusting.”

 

“You know, I thought we would work out as friends. I really did. But right now, you’ve just shown me that you’re _not worth it._ I don’t want to fight you anymore.” Hope gave up.

 

“THANK YOU! Finally! You understand!” Kelley harshly demanded, “Get out of here. I don’t want to speak with you anymore.” She gripped her chest, feeling pain sear through.

 

“Fine! How about we cut everything off??? This time I mean it. I don’t even want to try the whole friendship thing. You know what? I’m going to quit the team. I’ll take the bullet here…I don’t want us seeing each other ever again. Let’s go back to the time where we didn’t even know each other existed- when we meant abso-fucking-lutely nothing to each other.”

 

Hope sneered, failing to realize that Kelley was half-heartedly listening anymore. She continued.

 

“You’re not the only who can be angry, Kelley…that’s my forte, remember? I hate you just as much as you hate me. I hate you for making me feel this way…I hate you for…”

 

Hope immediately stopped talking. Not only did she regret everything that had come out of her mouth over the last minute, but she realized that Kelley was clearly not listening anymore. Her eyes terrifyingly rolled back to her head once again and her body shook violently. Monitors were beeping like crazy, completely off the charts.

 

Hope ran out of the room, calling out, “Help! Help! I need help!” Hope looked frantically for the nurses’ station. Seeing a few teammates down the hall, she yelled out, “Alex? Abby? Shit! Oh my god. HELP!”

 

She rushed back into Kelley’s room, trying to stabilize her shaking. Hope watched as she began to slip into unconsciousness and held her close, “I’m sorry, Kell…I…I didn’t mean anything I just said. I’m so sorry. Please, wake up…please…”

 

Doctors and nurses arrived along with Abby and Alex, who both quickly pried a completely wrecked Hope off of the hospital bed.

 

Abby gripped her hard, just like she had done on the field many weeks ago. “Hope, let them do their job.”

 

Within minutes, the medical staff had prepped Kelley to be taken into the operating room. A doctor turned to the three friends, one who was clearly having a meltdown on the floor against the wall. He hastily explained that pressure was rapidly building up in Kelley’s head and that the surgery must be done as soon as possible if there was any chance of saving her. Halfway out the door, he yelled that they would keep everyone updated as often as they could.

 

And just like that, a team of complete strangers wheeled Kelley away.


	14. Nirvana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Ironically, as she laid there due to an immense amount of suffering and injury, she looked peaceful…she looked like she had never experienced suffering before."

Kelley was in surgery for the remainder of the morning.

 

After six long hours, a pair of doctors walked out and consulted Kelley’s parents, who had arrived shortly after she was rushed into the operating room. Hope watched from afar as she tried her best to interpret everyone’s expressions. As the doctors continued to talk, her parents seemed composed, which was a good sign, but at the same time, they weren’t jumping up and down with joy either. Hope looked on as the O’Haras motioned for Alex and Tobin, who were nearby, and relayed the information on to them.

 

Hope couldn’t keep still, pacing back and forth in the waiting room with the rest of the team. As much as she wanted to find out how the surgery went, she knew she should give Kelley’s family as well as Alex and Tobin some space. It wouldn’t be long until she found out anyways.

 

An excruciatingly long hour later, Alex and Tobin appeared in the waiting room with news on Kelley’s condition.

 

Hope croaked, “How is she?”

 

Looking over at Tobin, Alex decided it was best that she talked. Her voice trembled, “Kelley made it out of surgery…but unfortunately the swelling was a lot worse than the doctors had anticipated. Her body couldn’t handle surgery for much longer, so they had to stop. They’re hoping the swelling will go down on its own, but in order for that to happen safely and most effectively, they put her under a medically-induced coma.”

 

A mixture of gasps and murmurs broke out among the national team. No one had expected this outcome.

 

Ali quietly spoke up and asked, “When will she wake up?”

 

Alex took a deep breath, trying to hold it together. “Th…they don’t know. The sooner she wakes up, the faster the healing process and the easier her recovery. With that being said, there’s a chance she won’t wake up for weeks to a month…and if that happens…”

 

“What? What happens? They can wake her up, can’t they?” Ashlyn gripped Ali’s hand tight as she sat on the edge of her seat.

 

“The doctors aren’t making any promises…it’s really up and down from here on out.”

 

Everyone remained silent, but that was soon interrupted by an outburst from Tobin. She clearly was struggling with the current situation at hand and as Alex had been talking, she looked like she was steaming. Her eyes locked onto Hope and she darted after her.

 

Shoving Hope out of anger and frustration, Tobin shouted, “What the _fuck_ did you do to her?!”

 

Hope stumbled backwards. She put her hands in front of her. “Tobin, it’s not what it…”

 

“You’re really something, Hope. She was fine! She was doing just fine until you got here! Now…now she’s…” Tobin couldn’t finish her sentence as her tears caught up to her. “You’re a piece of…”

 

Carli and Pinoe lunged in front of Tobin who was about to pounce on Hope one again. Pinoe sternly commanded, “Enough, Tobin. Control yourself.”

 

Tobin pushed both of her teammates aside and abruptly left the room. A couple teammates led by Christie followed suit, knowing that she would need a few companions by her side as she cooled down. Abby, hating to see her team fall apart like this, wandered over to Alex who instantly broke down into tears as she hugged her. Everyone else seemed to console each other or walk outside for some fresh air, not wanting to believe the current condition their dear teammate was in.

 

Hope remained in her corner of the waiting room.

 

And that’s where she stayed for the next couple of weeks.

 

Alex, Tobin, and Hope remained at the hospital as often as they could. In fact, Hope refused to train, staying by Kelley’s side for as long as she could. She did everything she possibly could do, such as giving Kelley’s parents a break every now and then.

 

The rest of the team continued practice in preparation for the qualifying games. The coaches offered to work on pushing back the dates for the games due to their team’s medical emergency, but everyone eventually decided that they had to play. That’s what Kelley would have wanted.

 

-

 

Week three came to an end.

 

And there was absolutely no sign of Kelley waking up.

 

The doctors began having difficult conversations with Kelley’s parents, who did their best to share everything with the team who cared like Kelley for a sister. So when they announced that it was highly unlikely that Kelley would wake up, thing started going downhill. This took a huge toll on the team and everyone reacted in different ways.

 

Christie and Abby enforced extra practices, hoping that soccer would distract the team. In some ways it helped many people, but Christie and Abby never realized how hard it would be on themselves. Soon, they didn’t even want to attend their own training sessions. As veterans, it was their job to protect their younger teammates. And they felt like they had failed.

 

Some people, especially those on the quiet side, reacted like any other person in mourning. Sure, Kelley wasn’t gone, and god forbid that were to happen, but deep down, they knew the outcome wasn’t looking great. They were the ones to slowly give up first, but that didn’t mean they didn’t care. In fact, they were the ones stopping by the hospital the most.

 

Then there were the usual goofballs of the team. Meghan and Morgan, two peas in a pod, stuck by each other’s side, trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel and remain in high spirits. But still, they refrained from their usual jokes and laughter. Even Pinoe, once the life of their team, had become somber. However, while most people doted on Kelley, she stood by the forgotten and shunned away goalkeeper. When at the hospital, she was most often found in the chair beside Hope.

 

The other chair belonged to Carli, of course.

 

Ashlyn and Ali never left each other’s side (no surprise there). They couldn’t imagine what they would do if they were ever placed in this situation. They just thanked their lucky stars that they weren’t, and cherished every second they had together.

 

While this brought most of the team closer together, it also put a strain on others.

 

Most noticeably, Alex and Tobin.

 

They fought like no other.

 

The more days that went by without Kelley waking up, the more fights Alex and Tobin seemed to have. Alex’s grief was expressed in tears after tears, obviously way more emotional than most people. Tobin, on the other hand, was much more reactive. She was still quite upset at Hope’s presence and was very protective of Kelley. She couldn’t prevent Hope from staying by Kelley’s side, but that didn’t mean she was her number one fan either.

 

Once again, sitting side by side, Tobin muttered, “Why does Hope get to be here?”

 

“Give it a rest, Tobin.” Alex folded her arms.

 

“Seriously though! She doesn’t deserve to be here.”

 

“I don’t want to talk about this right now.”

 

Tobin ignored her comment, “Honestly, what does she think she can do? She sits here all day regretting the way she treated Kelley. Does she think she’s going to be forgiven and that she’ll feel better for sitting around all day? Fuck no. She can sit here as much as she wants, but I hope her guilt eats her up.”

 

“SHUT UP!” Alex practically screamed. “Can you not talk about Hope like that?!”

 

“Oh, are we taking her side now?! Sorry, I didn’t know that siding with the person who basically destroyed your best friend’s life was the proper way to handle this.” Tobin rolled her eyes sarcastically.

 

“I…I’m not saying we should take her side, okay? I…I just…I just want everything back to normal.” Alex sighed, feeling tears come her way.

 

“Well here’s a reality check for you, Alex…Kelley, _our_ squirrel-loving best friend, is practically on her death bed. So don’t fight me on this. You know I’m right. Hope fucking Solo is everything that the media portrays her to be. She’s selfish and cold, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t give a damn about anyone but herself!”

 

Alex shook her head at Tobin and walked away, stating, “I need a break from you.”

 

Meanwhile, Hope sat in Kelley’s room right by her side. She had heard the whole conversation between Alex and Tobin, and she couldn’t help but side with Tobin. She was right. Hope was stupid to think that being by Kelley’s side now would make up for everything she had done to her in the past. There was something peaceful about watching Kelley sleep. It was as if she was in a state of nirvana. Ironically, as she laid there due to an immense amount of suffering and injury, she looked peaceful…she looked like she had never experienced suffering before.

 

Hope loved that. She liked to think that although Kelley’s health was seriously compromised, at least she wasn’t in pain because of her feelings for Hope. For once, Hope was not the source of Kelley’s problems.

 

And as much as Hope loved this concept, she blamed herself.

 

She blamed herself for Kelley’s heartbreak. She blamed herself for not securing the ball that fateful day, resulting in Kelley’s injury. She blamed herself for Kelley’s sudden change in health.

 

Maybe if she didn’t walk in that day and say all those hurtful things to Kelley, she would have been better by now. Hope cursed Alex for giving her a second chance. She sighed, holding on to Kelley’s hand, promising to never let her go again.

 

Praying that Kelley could hear her, Hope whispered in her ear how much she loved her, just like she did every night.

 

Except this night was different.

 

As she pressed her lips to the younger woman’s forehead, she felt the slightest movement beneath her. As she pulled away slowly, Hope could have sworn that Kelley’s eyes were beginning to flutter open.

 

But she didn’t know for sure.

 

Because she was scared.

 

And already half way out the door.


	15. If You Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If only she stayed."

Kelley blinked.

 

Where was she? Her eyes slowly adjusted to the light and she quickly realized she was lying in a bed. She blinked a few more times and she swore she saw the back of a tall brunette. 

 

The back of Hope, that is…would she ever leave her mind?

 

Suddenly, a group of doctors and nurses flooded into her with surprised, and concerned, expressions. She felt herself start to panic and her eyes darted around the room. Strange voices were shouting at her.

 

_“Kelley? Can you hear me?”_

_“You’re going to be okay.”_

_“Don’t try talking until the tube is out.”_

_“Kelley, calm down.”_

Kelley never liked hospitals and she felt her blood pressure rise, but that quickly changed as two familiar faces stepped into her room: her parents. She calmed down as her mom gripped her hand tight and the medical staff exited the room. Her breathing tube had just been removed, so she was instructed not to talk for the remainder of the day. Kelley had so many questions, but she knew it was best if she followed the doctor’s orders. Her parents slowly started to explain the happenings over the last few weeks and Kelley’s eyes only widened.

 

How did her brain injury escalate so quickly? One minute she was up and about, feeling totally normal aside a few headaches here and there, and the next minute she was having seizures leading up to a medically induced coma. Luckily, the doctors were running more tests, but they had implied that her waking up was a very good sign.

 

-

 

Her teammates were beyond relieved when they learned Kelley had woke up. They visited her often, and Kelley could never thank them enough for their love and support. Tobin and Alex had been by her side the entire time with her parents, and it was nice to have them around. It took her mind off a lot of things.

 

“Looking forward to seeing you back on the field, kiddo.” Carli patted her shoulder before finally leaving along with five of her other teammates.

 

Tobin chuckled, “I thought they would never leave!”

 

Alex smiled, “We all really missed you, Kell.”

 

Kelley nodded and added in a raspy voice, “I can’t wait to get back on the field…you all have been so supportive, especially you two. My parents told me that you guys were a great help these last few weeks…thanks.”

 

“We know you would’ve done the same if it were one of us.” Tobin shrugged.

 

The three friends caught up with each other for the rest of the evening before Tobin announced that she needed her sleep before the big media day the following morning. Alex didn’t need to be at a promotional shoot until later that day, so she decided to stay at the hospital one more night.

 

The room became silent and Alex noticed that Kelley’s eyes drifted towards the door every so often- as she was expecting someone. She knew her best friend too well.

 

Alex softly broke the silence, “She was here, you know.”

 

Kelley’s head turned towards Alex and the look in her eyes flooded with heartache, “Really?”

 

“Really…” Alex expanded, “She was here every single day actually…more than Tobin and I. She never returned to practice. She vowed to be by your side every chance she could get…Kelley, she really cares about you.”

 

Kelley felt tears form in her eyes…so it was Hope that she saw when she first woke up. Her heart was pounding. Hope cared about her, but not enough to love her. She bitterly asked, “If she cared so much, then where is she now?”

 

Alex gripped her friend’s hand tight, “That’s a good question…” She hated how Hope destroyed Kelley. She couldn’t believe that she ruined her second chance.

 

“Alex, I’m still in love with her.”

 

“I know you are…”

 

“Just…why is it so hard? I…I know I pushed her away…but she…she’s supposed to be here now. I want her here.” Kelley pleaded.

 

“Oh, Kelley…I’m so sorry. I promise you though…she was here.”

 

Kelley didn’t say another word to Alex, allowing her thoughts to take over any means of conversation that could start. In particular, she thought hard about the last thing she remembered. She honestly couldn’t believe she was this sick…she remembered not feeling good at practice that one day and then everyone fussing over bringing her to the hospital. She survived the night and was just doing fine until…oh.

 

Oh, right.

 

She showed up.

 

Everything started to come back to Kelley- the unrequited love, their first kiss, the infatuation, the glares from across the room, the confusion, the distance, the wedding invitation, the heated conversations…

 

The fight.

 

The fight that ended it all.

 

The first time in life that Kelley O’Hara gave up.

 

Hope yelling in her face, telling her that their relationship was worthless and that she could never love the young defender, was ingrained in Kelley’s mind forever.

 

She lost.

 

Whatever sick game Hope was trying to play, Kelley lost.

 

But Kelley was a sore loser. She wanted more than anything to win…to win Hope back, whether she liked it or not.

 

But that’s not how life worked. Life wasn’t fair. It suddenly occurred to Kelley that she might never make it out of this state of torment that was so cruelly defined by the one and only Hope Solo.

 

And with that final thought in mind, Kelley slowly drifted to sleep- the one place she could escape her own misery.

 

-

 

Hope shivered, fully embracing the warmth as she walked through the double doors. It was the middle of the night, and luckily not many people stuck around the hospital floors.

 

Well…not many people were _allowed_ on the hospital floors. A couple medical staff here and there and a few immediate family members of patients wandered down the hallways.

 

Hope really wasn’t supposed to be there, but it was late and no one was paying much attention, so she knew it would be easy to sneak in.

 

She just had to see Kelley one last time.

 

According to Carli, Kelley was on the mend and should be cleared by the time the Olympics rolled around again. This was all very good news, but not really for Hope.

 

Because Hope wasn’t going to Olympics.

 

Although she had said that out of spite while fighting with Kelley last, she stuck with her intuition. She had secretly terminated her contract with Jill, and she would be making the announcement the following week.

 

Something didn’t feel right about the next Olympics.

 

Too many opportunities.

 

And while most people would take advantage of that, Hope fled. She realized that the more she was around the younger defender, the more she would ruin her. What happened between her and Kelley was so unpredictable, and it scared her so much so that she was convinced that she could never love her.

 

Hope held her breath as she placed her hand on the hospital room door and slowly opened it. It was pitch black, but Hope’s eyes quickly adjusted and she could just make out Kelley’s small figure, sleeping soundly on the bed.

 

Hope watched her sleep for a few minutes, and she began to think.

 

Why Kelley?

 

Why did she have such an effect on her? Hope wondered, but then suddenly asked herself a similar question.

 

Why _her?_

 

Why was she, Hope Solo, wired in such a way that prevented her from ever making a connection with another human being? What was she afraid of? Her heart would always be with Kelley, but her mind would never let that be official. Her instincts pushed her away from all that was good, and pure.

 

Hope realized that she was over staying her welcome (or lack there of), and she quickly hovered over the hospital bed. 

 

Her lips pressed against Kelley’s forehead and Hope inhaled her scent for the last time.

 

Their kisses had always been special…their first one made their insides tingle with feelings that they never knew existed while the others were either classified as short and sweet, or passionate and longing.

 

But this particular kiss wounded Hope.

 

This kiss served as a pacifier, or an end, to the fire that had been started by their first.

 

This would be their last kiss.

 

Hope reluctantly pulled back, and as she slowly walked towards the door, she asked herself the question,

 

_What if?_

 

What if she could overpower her own mind and follow her heart to Kelley? What if she wasn’t so torn up inside, and so dark and twisty? What if Kelley woke up the following morning and she was sitting right by her side?

 

What if she just _stayed?_

 

Hope saw her life flash before her eyes.

 

If she stayed, Kelley’s face would light up and Hope would feel so special because she was the reason for that smile.

 

If she stayed, she wouldn’t resign and they could go to the Olympics together…and everyone knew that particular tournament worked wonders for them.

 

If she stayed, they just might fall deeper in love with each other.

 

If she stayed, they could grow old together and become _that_ couple that bickers so much that it becomes the only way they know how to express their love.

 

If only she stayed.

 

Standing in the doorway for the final time, Hope felt a tear roll down her face. She whispered,

 

“I love you, Kelley.”

 

And that was the only time Hope would ever use those three words.

 

She just wanted to show that she cared…and maybe caring for each other was all they could handle for now. Hope knew that the two of them yearned for each other in a way that was so tormenting, and yet so beautiful. But for now, Hope knew that they would just have to accept that this was how they were going to end up.

 

A waterfall of tears, misery, and angst.

 

Another unhappy ending.

 

A forever state of torment.

 

But Hope also knew that by the two of them just _caring_ for each other was oddly comforting, and enough for them to survive.

 

This had to be enough.

 

It just had to.

-

 

_Litost (n)._

  1. _A state of torment created by the sudden sight of one’s own misery._
  2. _A moment when you find that should not happen, unchangeably happened. It is a feeling we have about an immense, negative and unchangeable breach of the order we expect the world to have._



_-_

 

_fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thank you for sticking with me through this story. I wanted to end the story here just to emphasize the whole idea of “Litost” and how I believe it truly defines the O’Solo relationship.
> 
> With that being said, I’m a sucker for happy endings and hell, we all know that O’Solo deserves every bit of happiness this world has to offer. So, I do have an idea in mind for an epilogue/alternate ending…if this is of any interest to you, please comment and I will definitely take your feedback into consideration….and you might just see another update from me :)
> 
> Thanks again for all your support!
> 
> -KO5


	16. Alternate Ending: I'll Catch You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm a runner."

_-Alternate Ending-_

Hope showed up to practice for the first time since Kelley had been hospitalized. As she walked onto the field, everyone simply stared- not only because it had been so long since they’d seen her, but because she wasn’t in her normal training attire, lacking gloves and all.

 

Everyone’s eyes turned to Jill, who silently nodded for Hope to speak.

 

Hope slowly began, “Hey guys…uhm, I came to practice today because I wanted to share something with you all. These last weeks have been pretty hectic for me, and I know all of you have your own perceptions of why that might be…obviously, it has a lot to do with uh…Kelley’s health problems, but there’s also other things on my plate that need my attention. So in order for me to get back on my feet and focus on time for myself, I…uhm…”

 

Hope stumbled over her words, suddenly getting choked up about her decision. Carli instantly realized where her best friend was taking the conversation and she quickly interrupted, “Oh my god, Hope, no…”

 

“I…I just wanted to announce that I’m retiring, effective before the Olympics.”

 

Sudden gasps and murmurs broke out between the team as Hope continued, “Before you guys say anything, I just wanted to thank you all for being some of the best teammates I could have ever played with, and for helping progress women sports in a way that I could have never imagined. I know there are some of you who have not exactly supported, uh, my decisions lately, but I hope we can move past that.”

 

Most of the team was speechless while others came up to her. After ten minutes or so, Hope decided to leave, especially since she wasn’t a fan of awkwardness. She was surprised by how well everyone took her news, but was most surprised by the fact that no one brought up Kelley. However, as soon as she left the building, she felt someone tug at her arm.

 

“What the hell, Hope?!”

 

Instantly recognizing the unique voice, Hope turned around to face her younger teammate. “Alex, please don’t…”

 

“I’m not going to let you do this.” Alex was persistent.

 

“I’ve already made up my mind…thanks for your concern though.” Hope started to walk off again.

 

Alex tugged Hope’s arm again and yelled, “No! You’re running, Hope. You don’t get to run.”

 

Hope sighed, knowing every word that Alex had said and was about to say was true. She looked down, “I can’t face her, Alex…I just…”

 

“You’re screwing this up, and I remember specifically telling you not to! Remember what I told you? Hope, you and Kelley are…special. I can’t even begin to understand why, but you just are. This just happened and for some reason, it makes all the sense and nonsense in this world. Being Kell’s best friend, I would love to beat you up right now and curse you out for hurting her so bad, but I can’t do it.”

 

Hope remained silent, and Alex finally felt like she was getting through to the goalkeeper. She continued, “I know that what I say is totally up for you to take into account…but honestly, for God’s sake, I hope that once you leave here, you get your ass back to that hospital. You need to talk to her.”

 

Something was empowering about the way that Alex had just spoken to her. Feeling like nothing else mattered, Hope simply hugged Alex in silence, hoping that was a good indicator of what she was about to do.

 

-

 

Hope burst into the room, scaring the freckled-face woman in bed. Kelley had been laying down, but she quickly sat up and fidgeted. Her heart began to pound- as it does every single time their eyes locked.

 

“Hey…”

 

“I’m a runner.” Hope bluntly stated, totally out of breath.

 

“Excuse me?” Kelley was confused.

 

Hope took a deep breath, “I’m a runner. That’s the only thing I know how to do. _I run._ I run when I'm scared or when things get complicated. I ran from the team back in 2007, I run from my family all the time, I feel like running from Jerramy…and of course, I ran from you. Kelley, you’re too good for me…too pure. And that scares me, hell, it _terrifies_ me. I’m scared that this, all this good, will be taken away from me in the blink of an eye…so I just run.”

 

Kelley was still shocked by the keeper’s presence in the room and her sudden outburst. She stayed silent, not wanting to break Hope’s line of thought.

 

“I figured, if I run away from my problems first, then they don’t have a chance to catch up to me and make me experience all this fear. You were right…Jerramy was the easy way out. That’s why I chose him...but I knew it wasn’t long term. But with you…” Hope felt herself get all warm and tingly, and though she hated it, it encouraged her to speak louder from her heart.

 

“But with you, I knew from the get go that you were the one. We’re special, Kelley...but what did I do? _I fucking ran._ I started to freak myself out with all the worse-case scenarios that could happen with us, even though deep down I knew that when I was with you, nothing could break us apart- it would only make us stronger. But on my end of things, I felt like I couldn’t hold my half of the relationship… I wasn’t good enough for you. So I ran because that’s what I’m good at…and that’s my explanation. It’s awful and irrational and I actually don’t know what I just said to you, but that’s all I got.”

 

Hope gripped the end of the hospital bed frame so hard that her knuckles were turning white. Kelley had already let tears escape about halfway through Hope’s little monologue, and though she knew that it took a lot for Hope to open up to her, she couldn’t help but respond,

 

“Hope, I…I don’t know what you want me to say. You really hurt me, you know…I can’t afford to put myself through this again. Like you said, you’re a runner….and I can’t change that.”

 

Hope pleaded, “Yeah, I run and don’t come back. But Kelley, here’s the thing…over this past month, I came back. I ran back.”

 

“How do I know you’re not just going to run again?”

 

“You don’t. I probably will run…but when it comes to you, I’ll run back faster than I ran away. Kelley, don’t you see? I don’t run back…ever. That never happens. So please believe me when I say that I’m here for you…that from here on out, I’ll always run back to you. Maybe we’ll get to the point where I’ll learn not to run…because I know that everything I need is right in front of me.”

 

Kelley could not believe the words coming out of Hope’s mouth. The woman who had caused her so much pain in the past just made her feel like they had just met for the first time. Kelley knew that Hope let all her defense walls down just for her, and for the first time, she felt safe again.

 

Kelley wiped her tears away and felt herself chuckle, “I swear to God if you start training for a marathon…”

 

Hope’s face broke into a smile and she shook her head, “I love you so much.”

 

And with that, Hope kissed Kelley and feeling her smile underneath their kiss was all Hope needed to survive. They remained in each other’s arms for a good amount of time before breaking apart, a spark suddenly renewed in both of their eyes.

 

With Hope just inches away from herself, Kelley whispered, “I just have one last question for you.”

 

“Hm?”

 

“What if I fall?” Kelley laughed, praying that Hope hadn’t forgotten about their little hoke.

 

“Hey! That’s my line!” Hope chuckled.

 

A moment of silence passed before Kelley’s expression turned more serious. She was in love with Hope, and only felt herself fall deeper and deeper. Although she asked her previous question half-jokingly, she was truly eager to hear Hope’s response.

 

Kelley repeated, “But what if I fall?”

 

Hope just smiled, letting her eyes penetrate Kelley’s entire being…making the two of them come completely undone. She answered with an amount of confidence she never seemed to have had before.

 

"I'll catch you." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone again for sticking with my story...I'm so glad I was able to write this alternate ending :) Hope you enjoyed it!


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